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Monday, December 5, 2011
Dipy the Detective and The vampire in the blood bank
This is the first story I wrote about Dipy Singh - Private detective. You can check out some background on this on this earlier post I wrote here on Indian detective characters
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Dipy and the vampire in the bloodbank
I had made Dipy’s acquaintance at a party, and we had got chummy after that. “Dipy” was Deepinder Singh Gehlot, and he was a private detective. I had always thought of private detectives as a pictured Sherlock Holmes – tall, thin, piercing eyes, etc, but Dipy was not like that at all. He was a most normal looking person – a clean shaven Sikh of medium height and built, clean shaven, a slightly receding hairline, reasonably fit…nothing extra ordinary.
I was between jobs at the time, and in no hurry to join another job due to a generous settlement. Dipy was anyway self employed, and his profession worked unorthodox timings as it is. Thus, we used to have ample opportunity to meet up and chat over beer and tandoori chicken.
We had met in a bar, and were generally chatting, when the discussion turned to his line of work. He described various cases he had worked on earlier – fraud, deceit, theft, matrimonial, industrial espionage, etc. It was at this point that I asked him, what was the weirdest case he had ever worked on.
“I really don’t know whether I should tell you, Joshi saaheb.” He said. “It is dangerous to talk to writers; confidential stuff can end up splashed all over the media. No one will believe my story anyway, and I will be branded as a crank.”
“Nonsense.” I said. “Writers are the safest people to talk to. We are discreet, and are sure to change names and places. Anyway, I am a very small writer, and of fiction at that. The more fantastic the better.”
Dipy smiled crookedly, and took another gulp at his beer.
“Well, if it comes to that. I suppose, I can change names and places too. And you are right; no one will believe the story anyway.”
“What is this completely incredible story anyway?”
Dipy settled him self more comfortably into his armchair, refilled his glass and said “OK, listen…”
The incident had happened about a year back, when he had received a visit from a friend of his. They had had not been in touch for a few years, but one day they had chanced to meet in the market. When the friend came to know his line of work, he had been very excited, and taken an appointment to meet him.
“Hi Amit, come in. What’s up man?”
“Arre Dipy, are you really a private detective? You are not pulling my leg?”
“Of course not. I have been in this racket for some time now.”
“Oh that’s wonderful. I wanted to speak to someone desperately about my problem, but I dare not go to the police. They will lock me up in a padded cell. But Dipy we have known each other very well for years. You will believe me wont you?”
“Hey hey…easy up…what’s the problem?”
Amit sidled close to Dipy and whispered.
“Dipy, I have a major problem, and I have no idea how to deal with it.” Amit looked around carefully and continued. “I am being troubled by a Vampire.”
“Vampire?!!”
Dipy looked at him thoughtfully. Amit looked normal enough, but you never know – could be a mental case. Amit interpreted his gaze correctly and moaned, burying his face in his hands.
“You don’t believe me either, do you?”
Dipy shifted in his seat uncomfortably, maybe there was a simple explanation to this after all.
“I tell you what, Amit. Why don’t you tell me just the facts of the case? We will leave the diagnosis of the situation till later. Just tell me what is troubling you, and what is the sequence of events that led to this.”
“Ok, that sounds fair.” Amit looked very relieved. “You know, after college I did a diploma in Pathology and later opened a blood bank. You might have heard of it – Anviksha blood bank. It did, and in fact is still doing quite well. The location is good, centrally located and close to a few hospitals, and we give good service.”
“Blood fetish…” thought Dipy.
“Blood bank is an interesting business – the raw material costs nothing, the main expense is on testing and storing the blood. We get the blood mainly through voluntary blood donations, and we charge a fee to give out blood. Nobody argues about the cost – the doctor couldn’t care less, and the patient is always in a life or death emergency. So we can charge a reasonably high rate and get away with it. Of course, there is huge investment and running costs for the storage equipment and testing. There are some cheaper blood banks, but a lot of people came to me, because we provide blood which is 100% free from HIV, venereal diseases or other nasty pathogens.”
“Good business. What’s the catch?”
“The catch is simply that blood is a matter of reputation, and legalities. If there is the slightest bit of scandal about the blood or the service, we will be shunned. Also, the government is very strict about the rules, so we can lose our license. So we are always on a knife edge.”
“That’s Ok I suppose…so where does your problem start?”
“Some time back I hired a new person as lab assistant. He didn’t have any technical qualifications, but I hired him anyway.”
“Eh? Why?”
“Well, I …I don’t know…I just thought that he could do the administration and clerical jobs and other odd jobs…but…” Amit seemed to be lost in thought for a minute and then he continued. “It seems incredible now, but I never thought about this.”
“Well…never mind. Go on.” Dipy spoke calmly, but he was puzzled about this.
“Every thing seemed to be fine for some time, but soon I started noticing some strange things. Every few days, a packet or two of blood seemed to be vanishing. Normally, there is some loss because a packet breaks, or goes bad or there is suspected infection. But this was a bit too much. There was not much financial loss, but it is a big break of security and discipline. I started questioning people, but no one owned up.”
“Maybe someone is stealing your stock and selling it to another hospital or patient.” Dipy offered.
“No yaar. It is not practical. Other blood banks do not need blood. I told you it is free, only testing and storage has to be done. And before giving blood to patients, cross matching of the patient’s blood sample has to be done with the blood we have. This involves a lot of people –the front desk, the lab technician; the storage technician…the peon…all of them cannot be involved to steal a few pints of blood.”
“Ok, go on.”
“After I started asking questions about this, for some time the problem stopped. But over the next few days, I noticed everyone seemed to be getting cuts or nicks in strange places. One boy had a band aid on his wrist, another had one behind his ear…once I saw our technician girl bend over to pick up something – her skirt rode up – and there was a band aid behind her knee. And when I asked them about it, they looked surprised; as if they were noticing it for the first time. There was a bandage, for god’s sake, so it couldn’t be an unnoticed nick, but they claimed no knowledge about it.
And one day…” Amit faltered and fell silent.
Dipy had been listening intently and with growing interest. “Yes, one day what?”
“This is where it starts getting incredible.”
“Don’t worry about that; tell the story as you saw it.”
“Late one night, I had finished my dinner at home, and suddenly remembered some book I had left behind at the office. I wanted to finish it off, and anyway I was not sleepy, so I went to the office to pick it up. I reached the place, and imagine my surprise, when I found the chowkidar asleep, and the door open. This is too bad – I thought, and tried to rouse the chowkidar, but he was insensible. Wondering who could be inside – the chowkidar could not let anyone inside whom he did not know – I decided to go in very quietly and surprise the person. It did flash in my mind, that this might be connected with the vanishing blood, so wanted to catch the person red handed.”
Amit paused for a minute, gulped, and carried on.
“I went in quietly, and saw that there was no in the reception area, but the door to the storage room was open. When I peeked in, I couldn’t believe my eyes!”
“Why? What was going on?”
“It was that fellow…he had a bag of blood in his hands and he had put a straw in it, and was happily drinking the stuff, as if was a pack of Frooti!”
“Eh!” There couldn’t be much to say to this, and Dipy was struck dumb.
“Swigging the blood down like a… a bloody cold drink, I tell you. I couldn’t control myself, I shouted – Bhalla – (that’s his name, R K Bhalla) Bhalla, what the hell are you doing. I would have expected him to be startled or something, but he turned around as cool as cucumber and said, hello Amitji, how are you? Nice evening.”
Dipy couldn’t help himself, he started laughing. Amit gave him a nasty look.
“Its no laughing matter, I tell you. He was totally calm as he stood there, with a bag of blood with a straw in it in his hands, and traces of blood on his lip. I couldn’t say anything – I stammered and yammered, and I fainted. When I woke up, he was gone – the place was empty.”
Dipy looked at him seriously. “You woke up and the place was empty? What about the bag of blood?”
“It was gone. Vanished.”
“Look Amit…listen to me very carefully, and don’t get upset. Are you sure that you didn’t dream the whole thing? No, no …relax” He said hastily, as Amit shot up from his chair. “I mean, what proof do you have that the whole thing happened at all?”
“Proof!” Amit shouted. “I’ll show you proof. Look at this!” he rolled up his sleeve to show a bandage on his hand, in the crook of his elbow. “That bloody thing took a taste of me as well.”
Later that day, Dipy went to the blood bank, posing as a casual friend of Amit’s and was shown the place around. He was introduced to the staff – 3 female and 2 male technicians, 1 peon, 1 cleaner and – most importantly – to Mr. R K Bhalla.
Bhalla was as non vampirish a persona as one could ever be. He was medium to short height, wheatish complexion, had a small paunch, and sported glasses with thick black frames and oiled hair. He was so ordinary looking, that he was almost invisible. In spite of his detective training, Dipy found his gaze slipping off him. Looking at him, Dipy was reminded of his morning’s conversation with Amit.
“If you are so convinced that he is a vampire, why don’t you sack him?”
“Arre, how can I? On what grounds? If he goes to the courts or to the press, the local corporator…or anybody at all, I will be permanently disgraced as a complete nutcase. And if the case of the missing blood comes out, I could lose my license – it could even be a criminal case. If I had been told a story of a guy who drinks blood out of straw, I would think that the story teller is crazy.”
Dipy stayed in the blood bank only long enough to familiarize himself with the layout of the place and establish the faces of the people in his memory. Then he went out, and briefed his assistant by phone to find out what he could uncover about Bhalla’s past history and record. Then he went and sat in his car, and waited for the staff to get off work for the day.
When Bhalla left the premises and walked out, Dipy got out of the car and started to unobtrusively follow him. But, at the first turning in the road, Bhalla had vanished! Dipy looked high and low for him, but he had lost him completely. He was wroth with himself – a detective of so many years standing, and the person he was following managed to lose him so fast!
There was no help for it, so he shrugged his shoulders and went home.
The next was equally frustrating. His assistant could not come up with any background about the fellow at all. He might have sprung up from the air, for all the dossier he had. No one seemed to have any record about him, and no one seemed to remember him. Dipy groaned and cursed the poor data basing of the country. If this had been in the US or any developed country, he would have just fed in his social security number and got all the info he could possibly want.
In the evening, he again tried to shadow him, this time maintaining a closer distance to him. But again, the first corner Bhalla turned, he disappeared! Dipy cursed loud and long, and vowed to have more people the next day.
The next day, he put two more people on the job, one waiting at the corner at which he usually disappeared, and one at the next turning. But to no avail. Some where between the two, Bhalla gave them the slip again.
Tired and dispirited, Dipy dropped in a neighboring bar for a drink and went home late in the night. He let himself in with his key, and turned on the light – and he got the shock of his life!
There, sitting calmly on his favorite arm chair, and looking very comfortable indeed, was R K Bhalla.
One thing Dipy prided himself on was his sang froid. So he did not start or stammer or faint like Amit, but merely nodded to him.
“Ah, Mr. Bhalla. Nice evening.”
Bhalla replied with equal aplomb.
“Nice evening. Bit humid though.”
“That’s right. Would you have a drink?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t think I have your favorite drink though.” Dipy replied with a flash of wickedness.
Bhalla laughed.
“Really? I would have thought that you are full of it. Anyway, a small whisky and soda will do for me, if that’s no bother.”
Dipy got them both a drink, and sat down in a chair facing him. He studied his visitor closely, and was again struck by how un-vampire like and normal he looked, apart from a strange glitter in his eye…
“So Mr. Bhalla, what fair wind blows you here?”
“Oh, I have been observing for some time now that you are anxious to talk to me, but have not been able to…catch me…so I thought I would drop in and save you the trouble.”
A cool customer, thought Dipy, and decided to cut to the chase.
“So, from your remarks, I gather you have guessed why I was curious about you?”
“Oh yes. I have been expecting something like this ever since Amitji caught me in the office.”
Dipy started a bit, in spite of himself. Though he had wanted to cut to the chase, he had not expected Bhalla to be quite so blunt about it.
“So you admit that you were there that night, and were …ah…drinking…er…”
“Blood? Of course I was. Amitji saw me didn’t he? Do you doubt your friend’s word?”
“Pardon me Mr. Bhalla, but are you a…vampire..?”
Bhalla threw back his head and laughed. The laugh was not soft and chilling, but very normal. But for all that, it threw a shiver up Dipy’s spine.
“Of course I am. You were expecting something out of Bram Stoker? Count Dracula, wearing black evening dress, a pale complexion and blood stained fangs? Come come, Mr. Gehlot, for a seasoned detective, you have been basing your opinions too much on the imaginations of film writers and authors.
I am a modern vampire; I do not need to go around frightening the populace. All I want is a regular supply of blood to keep me pink or rosy. I don’t want to kill anyone, or steal their souls.”
“So you are nothing but a bigger version of a mosquito or a tick, eh?” Dipy sneered, trying to provoke him into telling more. But Bhalla was unmoved.
“You can think of me like that if you wish. You are fundamentally correct; I live off the blood of others, so that I don’t need to find that much food on my own. However, I would advise you to be a bit more polite, if you meet any other relative of mine…all of them are not as calm tempered as I am.”
“What! There are more of you?” Dipy was thunderstruck.
“Well, why not? Why should you assume that you have met the only living vampire?”
“But…what are you doing in my friend’s blood bank?”
“Ah, here I am a pioneer. I have taken a lesson from you humans. It like what you people do to honeybees. The bees go from flower to flower, collecting nectar and converting it to honey, and then the bee farmer calmly goes and takes that honey, to save himself the trouble of collecting it himself. In the same way, instead of hanging around in dark alleyways and waylaying solitary travelers, I calmly take what is required from the blood bank. Saves me no amount of bother, and you friend Amit is not hurt in any way. Good idea, isn’t it?” Bhalla looked indecently pleased with himself.
“But this can’t go on. You must get out of Amit’s life.” Dipy blustered.
“Oh? And who will stop me? And how?”
This simple question threw Dipy, he started flailing mentally, going through whatever he knew about vampires and how to repel them.
“Well…er…we will attack you. Show you the image of the cross; shower you with garlic and holy water…drive a wooden stake through your heart…shoot you with a silver bullet…” Dipy stopped, because Bhalla was lying back in his chair and laughing his guts out. HA HA HA…
Finally, he stopped, and wiped his eyes.
“Oh, Mr. Gehlot…can I call you Dipy? Thanks. If only you could hear yourself, how ridiculous you are sounding. You have been watching silly TV serials. You, an agnostic Sikh, are going to scare me by primitive Christian myths of crosses, holy water and garlic? Ha Ha. Anyway, I am an Indian vampire, so a cultural Hindu; If not a practicing one; so these idiotic ideas will not affect me. Regarding that wooden stake bit, it is infinitely impractical. You or even a group of your people will never be able to do it, because I am stronger than you can imagine. Even If you succeed, you will be arrested and hanged for murder – try convincing the Mumbai police and high court that you killed a blood bank attendant because you thought that he was a vampire. As for the silver bullet – just think of the difficulties involved. Getting a silver bullet made, you would require a really understanding jeweler and gun smith for that, not to mention gun licenses and all that.”
Dipy was totally baffled. Bhalla had him at every turn.
“Even if what you say is right, this can’t go on. You have to leave Amit in peace.”
“Ah, but you are wrong. I don’t HAVE to do anything, except what I please. I am very comfortable here, and don’t want to leave just yet. Anyway, what is your problem? I am not hurting your friend or his staff, and am on a diet anyway, so I don’t drink too much blood.”
“Diet?”
“Oh yes. I was putting on a bit of weight. Even I am affected by this slimming fad which is going around these days. I tried drinking only plasma – you know, blood with the red corpuscles removed – for a few days, but found it too bland. So I have shifted back to blood, but am controlling my intake. Its like being in a buffet, when you see so much food in front of you, you lose your appetite.
Anyway, as I was saying, I am not harming your friend in any way, so I recommend to both of you that you should leave me alone.”
Dipy’s head was spinning, but he tried one last tactic.
“What do mean, not hurting anybody? What about your drinking blood of all the people there? Wont that hurt them?”
Bhalla was embarrassed, and looked down, twiddling his toes. He looked shamefacedly at Dipy and said, “Well, you have got me there. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. One gets bored of frozen food now and then, so the opportunity of hot fresh blood was irresistible. But you certainly have a point. I won’t sample Amit or his staff anymore.”
Dipy was relived; this fellow had some reasonable points. He relaxed and became friendlier.
“Just for my curiosity, why did you bite them in such weird places? I thought vampires bit people on the neck.”
“Tchah! Again you are being influenced by popular fiction. We bite people on the neck only if we want to kill them. Other than that, we just choose a point where blood is close to the surface, and take it from there. Your original analogy of a tick or mosquito was the correct one. Of course, some of us prefer arterial blood, so they go only for the arterial points, but most of us don’t mind venal blood…it’s got a particular taste I like.”
Dipy had another question, which was worrying him a bit.
“Tell me; is it true that if a vampire bites someone, that person also becomes a vampire?”
Bhalla smiled back at him.
“Sometimes…that’s for me to know, and you to guess. Anyway, it was nice talking to you; I will make a move now. Remember what I said – leave me in peace, and I will not trouble anyone…bye. See you at the blood bank if you drop in.”
And before Dipy’s popping eyes, he turned into a bat and flapped away.
At this point, Dipy went quiet and asked for a drink. I came back to my senses, so engrossed had I been in his story. I got up and refilled his glass.
“So, what did you do about the guy then?”
“Do? Nothing. What could we do, Joshi saaheb? He had proven that we could do nothing to him – his demonstration of turning into a bat itself was a warning to us. And anyway, as he said – he was not harming anyone.”
“So, you mean he is still there, working in that Blood bank?”
“Ah. No. He died soon after.”
“Died? How?”
“AIDS. The poor fellow must have gotten greedy, and had some blood which was not tested. Probably the temptation of hot food must have been too much for him.”
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You can check out the book here Dipy Singh - private detective
The dick worshippers
The dick worshippers
Some idiot has gone and drawn a dick on the wall next to the
elevator. No words, nothing, just an erect penis. Actually he had done it
earlier too, and the admin guys removed it, and now he has gone and drawn the
exact same thing again.
Why? I mean, like....why?
OK, stop sniggering. I was asking it seriously.
Go to any available unguarded wall, anywhere around the
world – on ancient monuments, public toilets, government buildings, college
campuses, anywhere – and you will find it covered with graffiti, the graphical
part of it will be genital organs in all their glory.
Why ? Why is it so common? What is this uncontrollable urge
to draw erect penises ?
To answer this question, I went to the one place in the
world where it is still legal and socially acceptable to paint erect penises on
walls of houses – and that is the kingdom of Bhutan.
Here the villagers proudly draw penises on their wall in
glorious colour by technicolour for good luck and to ward off the evil eye. It
is supposed to be in the memory of the dude lama Drukpa Kunley, who lived in the
15th century and had a really cool outlook on life. He was fond of
wine and women, and adopted blasphemous and unorthodox techniques to spread
Buddhism. According to legend, he used to hit evil demonesses with his dick to
turn them into protective deities.
Now that’s a religion I would convert to.
In fact, in earlier and more earthy and innocent times, the
erect phallus was an object of worship across cultures.
The romans worshipped it as ‘Priapus’,
the Greeks worshipped
it as ‘Pan’,
The Egyptian god Osiris was chopped into pieces by the villain god
Seth, and though his wife collected all the pieces and reassembled him, his
dick was lost as it was eaten by a fish and Isis made a wooden replacement and
brought it to life.So the 'missing piece' is worshipped on images called 'Herms'
The Norse god Freyr is a phallic deity, not to mention
hundreds of native American and meso American deities.
The word ‘ithyphallic’ means ‘with an erect penis’ – so thats
your new word for the day.
Most of these seem to be lost religions – even in Bhutan,
the villagers are modernising and removing the dicks from their walls.
In fact there is only one current religion which still
worships the phallus. Any idea which is it?
Yes,of course you are right – It is Hinduism.
Shivaling worship is the largest phallic object worship in
the world. Ancient Hindus were far more sensible than the current ones are –
they understood that sexuality is the essence of life, and it should be
celebrated and not ignored or be ashamed of.
The classical Indian temple compulsorily has ‘maithun’
images on the outside of the temple – which is people happily fucking
away.
Once you get that out of your
system, you go inside and worship the phallic symbol of the shivling – or to be
precise the combined symbol of the ling and yoni, which represents the force of life itself.
Modern hindus get very hot when the shivling is referred to
as a dick, as if it is unsuitable for gods to have genitals. They cover up the
ancient statues with cloth to hide the bodies.
This is largely because of the effect of orthodox Christian and
Islamic influences on current thought, who taught that SEX is BAD. SEX is SIN. Idiots.
So now you have a situation where the modern hindu hates Islam and Christianity,
but is brainwashed by them into believing that phallic worship is bad.
What is bad about it anyway? It is the font of life itself! The
tool of creation!
Isn’t it amazing that 2 people can get together and by using
their genitals, create a fresh human life?
If only gods can create life, then your genitals make you
into a god!
Thats why genitals are worshipped – you have cunt worship in
the devi temples –especially in the Kamakhya temple in Guwahati; and lingam
worship in all shiva temples. What do you think the word ‘lingam’ means anyway?
Check out the 1.5 metre tall lingam in Parashumeshwara
temple in Gudimallam, AP, which is supposed to date from 1 - 2 Century BC. It is certainly unambigious.
So, the next time you see some idiot drawing graffiti on
walls, resist the urge to beat him up. Dont get steamed up when you see porno
graffiti on unguarded walls.
Maybe he is just a Shiv-bhakt, and doesn’t know it yet.
Jay Maha-lingeshwar!
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Sunday, December 4, 2011
The trip that wasn't
The trip that wasn’t
One upon a time in a galaxy long long ago….at least that what I feels like right now. Many years back when we were in MBA school, we decided on the spur of the moment to go to IIM Calcutta for an inter MBA school festival that they were going to have.
A lot of debating, shilly shallying, yes-no happened and till the penultimate day, we were still not decided who should go to represent the institute, and chances were that finally it would be a no-show from our end. Then we got news that IIM Lucknow was having a fest at the same time, and two of our colleagues had gone by flight to attend it. This sparked off our resolve and we decided that we would go to Cal.
Finally it came down to three people who were willing to go – Me, Chinmay and the great man – Anand “Cute” Kute. The obvious question was “how?!!!”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Chinmay, with the smug assurance of the seasoned traveler (a complete sham, as we discovered later) “We’ll just take tickets in black, or take an open ticket and go in the general compartment.” He made it sound as if reservations, berths and all that kind of stuff were for wussies. In our innocence (and hope) we swallowed that line, and turned up at the Bombay VT train terminus that evening with bag and baggage, having wished our surprised folks a cheery good bye.
Words couldn’t describe our swagger as we came to VT, we were the chosen ones, from a premier MBA institute, and were embarking on an amazingly adventurous journey. We were looking down our noses at the proletariat who were rushing hither and thither to get tickets or find their berth.
Soon it was time for the first reality check. It turned out that due to some problem or the other, trains for Calcutta had been canceled for the past 3 days, and out of the 3 trains scheduled today, 2 had been canceled. So the entire load of 3 days (9-10 trains) had come on to one train, and VT was looking more like a flood or riot refugee camp than a train terminus. Any way, like those who rush in where angels fear to tread, we did not understand the import of that situation.
As per Chinmay's instruction, we started looking out for a tout. Strangely, the atmosphere seemed entirely toutless. Generally they are all over the place, and bother you, and get in your way, but here we had to look around quite a bit until we found one. Anyway, we found one finally.
“Kahan jaana hai?”
“Calcutta”
That answer seemed to throw him a bit. He pondered a bit and said, “Hmm… AC ticket is possible...”
We all had some 500-600 bucks in our pocket, so AC was out of the question.
“No, we want 2nd class tickets”
The tout looked at us, looked around at the huge, milling crowd and started laughing, and went away.
We were a bit taken aback at the failure of the first strategy, but we were not to be defeated. We shifted to plan 2 - an open ticket. After standing for what seemed to be an interminable time, we finally reached the counter and became the proud possessors of 4 open tickets to Calcutta at the cost of Rs 152 each. We were very happy about the bargain – cheap travel, save money.
The train had not come in to the station yet, the track was looking empty and forlorn. The platform was really packed. We were wondering how to enter the general compartment, seeing the huge crowd, full of rough and dangerous looking characters. Seeing us standing there, a coolie came along. He was an imposing figure – tall, sinewy, paan chewing, slightly drunk – looked totally homicidal.
“Kidhar jaana hai?”
“Calcutta”
“Want a seat?”
Seat? We had thought that there was no reservation in an open class bogey. But Chinmay, the great traveler, told us what he meant.
“Arre, these guys have a total Mafia going. They enter the train first and grab seats, beating up anybody who tries to sit there. He will get us the seat, but keeping it is our problem.”
Oh. Good. We bargained the rate at 30 bucks per seat, and were again pleased with ourselves at the economical way in which we were traveling.
Soon the train finally arrived, and a sea of humanity flung itself at the general compartment. Words cannot describe the bedlam, desperation and agony of that rush. Though as Bombayites we are phlegmatic about such things, and proudly show the world how we enter and exit out of the madly packed local trains every day, this was something out of our league. However, we fought gamely and managed to make our way into the bogey in the first lot, and sure enough, our Mafioso coolie was standing on a berth like a colossus, warding off all comers.
It was a surreal scene - the lights were not on in the compartment, it was full of smoke for some reason and the noise of the platform was dimmed inside the bogey. It was a strange, dark scene with various coolies and other thugs standing on seats and screaming away like demons. It reminded me of Tolkein's description of Sauron’s forge “This was the centre of Sauron's power on the middle-earth and all other powers were here subdued”. We made it to him and nearly got clouted by him before he recognized us. Finally we got the seat; he collected his money and vanished.
Four of us were sitting scrunched up on a berth made for three, when suddenly another ruffian came along and started to seat another guy next to us. Anand, our muscleman, objected.
“What is this? The seat is full and we have paid for it”
“Shut up!” he responded. “This seat is for five”
Anand flexed his muscles and said, “We will not allow him to sit”
The ruffian immediately jumped on the seat, and before we could realize what was happening, reached up and broke the over head bulb with this fingers, took out a jagged fragment of glass and brandished it in Anand’s face, causing him to blanch and quietly deflate.
“Cool, man, cool……by all means let him sit.”
All of us were huddling in our seats, awed by this raw display of aggression and brutality. The guy was plainly willing to slit our faces into shreds if we argued, and one glance of the crowd showed that there would be no help forthcoming. He sat the guy down next to us, and he slipped the ruffian some money, which plainly the ruffian found unsuitable. He grabbed his client by the collar, put the glass piece to his face and showed him his hand, which had got cut while breaking the bulb, and menacingly said,
“Old man, I cut my hand while breaking the bulb. Any natak out of you, and I will put these cuts on your face.”
The man paid up without a word.
Soon, the thugs left the compartment, and left it to the travelers. The only people there were either those too poor and ignorant to afford reservation, or those desperate to get to their destination. It was amazingly crowded, like a Virar local in rush hour. People were sitting 5 to a berth meant for three, five on each overhead luggage rack, sitting on the floor between the berths, on the causeway. It became so packed that I could not move my led from one position to another. I had to request the people in front of me to move so that I could shift my leg by a few degrees.
Phir bhi, all in all, we felt it was OK. A few hours of discomfort and we would be in Cal. Unfortunately, the railway authorities did not share our optimism. The train remained where it was. For 3 hours. And people were streaming in all the while. Where they were getting space god only knows, but we could see people entering the bogey. We thought it had reached maximum extent of overcrowding, but it just went on and on.
Finally, the train shook it self and started moving, a palpable cheer went through the crowd. The train staggered out of the platform and again stopped. We were rather taken aback. Well, we shrugged to ourselves; at least no more people are getting into the damn train. Knowledgeable people started talking about damaged tracks and slipped points (whatever that means) and that’s why the train was late.
Suddenly “Cute” looks at me.
“I have to piss”
“Congratulations. There’s no room to move an inch. Just hold it”
“Hold it? How? I have to piss.”
I passed him our (now empty) bottle of water. He looked at it.
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Use this.”
“Don’t be silly” he got exasperated.
I shrugged and looked out of the window. Suddenly there was a rushing moment by my side, and when I looked there, Cute had vanished!! I was foxed!! Where the hell did he go?
“Here” came a voice from above, and I looked to see that Cute had done a pull up on the luggage rack and was swinging from bar to bar like Tarzan!
“Hold my seat for me….” Came his voice as he took his aerial route. After a few minutes he came swinging back. Our neighbour was trying to doze, but the movement woke him, and he got a huge shock as Cute crashed, apparently out of mid air, into his seat.
“W-w-what….?”
“Never mind,” said Cute consolingly, “go back to sleep.” Turning to me he said, “Arre, there was a whole family inside the loo. They wouldn’t shift when I told them to, so I had to piss over their head into the bowl.”
Sometime during this, the train had started to move, and was limping along like an arthritic old man, and finally huffed and puffed its way into Dadar station. There the crowd was even worse, and more jam-packed, as the platform area is lesser. I couldn’t believe it, but I saw even more people jam themselves into the train!
The crush was unbelievable. Not an inch could be seen of the train, except for glimpses of the roof. The rest was one solid pack of sweating humanity, many of them illiterate Bengalis bound for Calcutta. There was one guy who was looking half-dead. He was hanging on to the bar, and swaying with each movement of the train. ‘What’s the matter with him?’ we asked his companion. The companion was happily chewing away on a wad of tobacco. ‘Oh, him?’ He answered nonchalantly, ‘He’s got jaundice.’
Jaundice? Then why is he traveling?
He is going to Calcutta for medical treatment.
Medical treatment? The world comes to Bombay for treatment. Why are you taking him away from Bombay?
Apparently he would take treatment only from some quack in his village.
There was another guy near him, who was in equally bad shape. He was something hanging on to the bar, and every now and then, his eyes would roll up and we could see only the white in his eyes.
And what’s the matter with him ?
Oh him? He’s got TB. He was going to Calcutta to see the same quack. You see, they are from the same village.
Wonderful, we thought.
After some time, Chinmay started crinkling his nose. There was a funny smell in the air. Very familiar…..what could it be……..
“KEROSENE” someone shouted, and the crowd cleared somehow, like the Red Sea being parted by Moses.
Sure enough, there was a huge puddle of kerosene on the floor. One guy was carrying all his worldly possessions in a gunnysack, and the stove inside it did not have a fuel lid, and all his kerosene had leaked out on the floor. Everybody started shouting at it, but being a bewildered villager, he just looked at them and said nothing, did nothing.
All 4 of us were silent, but I was just thinking of the crush and sheer impossibility of getting out in case of a fire, when the guy in the overhead rack calmly pulled out a beedi, and lit a match!
All of us whirled around, and Chinmay shouted, “Are you crazy? There’s a kerosene spill and you are lighting matches?!!!”
The guy calmly blew out a cloud of smoke and said, “Not to worry saa’b! This happens all the time….”
Finally a Bengali traveler spoke to the villager in Bengali and managed to get him to mop up the spill, keep his stove upright, and throw away the remaining kerosene.
After several stops and delays, Kalyan junction came into view. Remembering the experience of Dadar, some travelers closed and bolted and the doors. Sure enough there was another mammoth crowd at Kalyan as well. They were already exasperated by the delays and cancellations, and when they saw the bolted doors, they just went mad. The whole crowd burst upon the train like an army besieging a castle – hammering and banging on the doors and cursing away with all the profanities they knew, involving the ancestry of the people inside, their sexual preferences, their profession etc. one guy came to our window and cursed us and demanded we open the door. Chinmay retorted, “I can’t move an inch in here, how do you expect me to get to the door?”
“Kutte, @#@#$%, E%#$%$#%, main tujhe dekh loonga…”
Suddenly, some weak minded person opened the door and the crowd streamed inside and started whacking that poor fellow.
SLAP
“Is this your father’s train, you bastard?”
SLAP
“You son of a…$#@%”
SLAP
“But I only opened it for you…” the poor chap tried to say.
SLAP
“Who told you to lock it, you @#$$%?”
It was now nearly 8 hours since we had sat in the carriage. It was clear that the normal journey of 36 hours would now take 4-5 days, and the train was due to pass through Bihar and UP. We had little food, no water and limited money.
Quietly and shame facedly we got up, and when the train finally limped into Karjat after an hour and a half, we fought our way to the door and struggled out of the train.
AAAHHHHH!! What a relief!! It was like a baby getting out of the womb.
We gorged on omelet pav and hot tea at the platform and took the early morning local back to town.
Thus ended the trip that wasn’t.
One upon a time in a galaxy long long ago….at least that what I feels like right now. Many years back when we were in MBA school, we decided on the spur of the moment to go to IIM Calcutta for an inter MBA school festival that they were going to have.
A lot of debating, shilly shallying, yes-no happened and till the penultimate day, we were still not decided who should go to represent the institute, and chances were that finally it would be a no-show from our end. Then we got news that IIM Lucknow was having a fest at the same time, and two of our colleagues had gone by flight to attend it. This sparked off our resolve and we decided that we would go to Cal.
Finally it came down to three people who were willing to go – Me, Chinmay and the great man – Anand “Cute” Kute. The obvious question was “how?!!!”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Chinmay, with the smug assurance of the seasoned traveler (a complete sham, as we discovered later) “We’ll just take tickets in black, or take an open ticket and go in the general compartment.” He made it sound as if reservations, berths and all that kind of stuff were for wussies. In our innocence (and hope) we swallowed that line, and turned up at the Bombay VT train terminus that evening with bag and baggage, having wished our surprised folks a cheery good bye.
Words couldn’t describe our swagger as we came to VT, we were the chosen ones, from a premier MBA institute, and were embarking on an amazingly adventurous journey. We were looking down our noses at the proletariat who were rushing hither and thither to get tickets or find their berth.
Soon it was time for the first reality check. It turned out that due to some problem or the other, trains for Calcutta had been canceled for the past 3 days, and out of the 3 trains scheduled today, 2 had been canceled. So the entire load of 3 days (9-10 trains) had come on to one train, and VT was looking more like a flood or riot refugee camp than a train terminus. Any way, like those who rush in where angels fear to tread, we did not understand the import of that situation.
As per Chinmay's instruction, we started looking out for a tout. Strangely, the atmosphere seemed entirely toutless. Generally they are all over the place, and bother you, and get in your way, but here we had to look around quite a bit until we found one. Anyway, we found one finally.
“Kahan jaana hai?”
“Calcutta”
That answer seemed to throw him a bit. He pondered a bit and said, “Hmm… AC ticket is possible...”
We all had some 500-600 bucks in our pocket, so AC was out of the question.
“No, we want 2nd class tickets”
The tout looked at us, looked around at the huge, milling crowd and started laughing, and went away.
We were a bit taken aback at the failure of the first strategy, but we were not to be defeated. We shifted to plan 2 - an open ticket. After standing for what seemed to be an interminable time, we finally reached the counter and became the proud possessors of 4 open tickets to Calcutta at the cost of Rs 152 each. We were very happy about the bargain – cheap travel, save money.
The train had not come in to the station yet, the track was looking empty and forlorn. The platform was really packed. We were wondering how to enter the general compartment, seeing the huge crowd, full of rough and dangerous looking characters. Seeing us standing there, a coolie came along. He was an imposing figure – tall, sinewy, paan chewing, slightly drunk – looked totally homicidal.
“Kidhar jaana hai?”
“Calcutta”
“Want a seat?”
Seat? We had thought that there was no reservation in an open class bogey. But Chinmay, the great traveler, told us what he meant.
“Arre, these guys have a total Mafia going. They enter the train first and grab seats, beating up anybody who tries to sit there. He will get us the seat, but keeping it is our problem.”
Oh. Good. We bargained the rate at 30 bucks per seat, and were again pleased with ourselves at the economical way in which we were traveling.
Soon the train finally arrived, and a sea of humanity flung itself at the general compartment. Words cannot describe the bedlam, desperation and agony of that rush. Though as Bombayites we are phlegmatic about such things, and proudly show the world how we enter and exit out of the madly packed local trains every day, this was something out of our league. However, we fought gamely and managed to make our way into the bogey in the first lot, and sure enough, our Mafioso coolie was standing on a berth like a colossus, warding off all comers.
It was a surreal scene - the lights were not on in the compartment, it was full of smoke for some reason and the noise of the platform was dimmed inside the bogey. It was a strange, dark scene with various coolies and other thugs standing on seats and screaming away like demons. It reminded me of Tolkein's description of Sauron’s forge “This was the centre of Sauron's power on the middle-earth and all other powers were here subdued”. We made it to him and nearly got clouted by him before he recognized us. Finally we got the seat; he collected his money and vanished.
Four of us were sitting scrunched up on a berth made for three, when suddenly another ruffian came along and started to seat another guy next to us. Anand, our muscleman, objected.
“What is this? The seat is full and we have paid for it”
“Shut up!” he responded. “This seat is for five”
Anand flexed his muscles and said, “We will not allow him to sit”
The ruffian immediately jumped on the seat, and before we could realize what was happening, reached up and broke the over head bulb with this fingers, took out a jagged fragment of glass and brandished it in Anand’s face, causing him to blanch and quietly deflate.
“Cool, man, cool……by all means let him sit.”
All of us were huddling in our seats, awed by this raw display of aggression and brutality. The guy was plainly willing to slit our faces into shreds if we argued, and one glance of the crowd showed that there would be no help forthcoming. He sat the guy down next to us, and he slipped the ruffian some money, which plainly the ruffian found unsuitable. He grabbed his client by the collar, put the glass piece to his face and showed him his hand, which had got cut while breaking the bulb, and menacingly said,
“Old man, I cut my hand while breaking the bulb. Any natak out of you, and I will put these cuts on your face.”
The man paid up without a word.
Soon, the thugs left the compartment, and left it to the travelers. The only people there were either those too poor and ignorant to afford reservation, or those desperate to get to their destination. It was amazingly crowded, like a Virar local in rush hour. People were sitting 5 to a berth meant for three, five on each overhead luggage rack, sitting on the floor between the berths, on the causeway. It became so packed that I could not move my led from one position to another. I had to request the people in front of me to move so that I could shift my leg by a few degrees.
Phir bhi, all in all, we felt it was OK. A few hours of discomfort and we would be in Cal. Unfortunately, the railway authorities did not share our optimism. The train remained where it was. For 3 hours. And people were streaming in all the while. Where they were getting space god only knows, but we could see people entering the bogey. We thought it had reached maximum extent of overcrowding, but it just went on and on.
Finally, the train shook it self and started moving, a palpable cheer went through the crowd. The train staggered out of the platform and again stopped. We were rather taken aback. Well, we shrugged to ourselves; at least no more people are getting into the damn train. Knowledgeable people started talking about damaged tracks and slipped points (whatever that means) and that’s why the train was late.
Suddenly “Cute” looks at me.
“I have to piss”
“Congratulations. There’s no room to move an inch. Just hold it”
“Hold it? How? I have to piss.”
I passed him our (now empty) bottle of water. He looked at it.
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Use this.”
“Don’t be silly” he got exasperated.
I shrugged and looked out of the window. Suddenly there was a rushing moment by my side, and when I looked there, Cute had vanished!! I was foxed!! Where the hell did he go?
“Here” came a voice from above, and I looked to see that Cute had done a pull up on the luggage rack and was swinging from bar to bar like Tarzan!
“Hold my seat for me….” Came his voice as he took his aerial route. After a few minutes he came swinging back. Our neighbour was trying to doze, but the movement woke him, and he got a huge shock as Cute crashed, apparently out of mid air, into his seat.
“W-w-what….?”
“Never mind,” said Cute consolingly, “go back to sleep.” Turning to me he said, “Arre, there was a whole family inside the loo. They wouldn’t shift when I told them to, so I had to piss over their head into the bowl.”
Sometime during this, the train had started to move, and was limping along like an arthritic old man, and finally huffed and puffed its way into Dadar station. There the crowd was even worse, and more jam-packed, as the platform area is lesser. I couldn’t believe it, but I saw even more people jam themselves into the train!
The crush was unbelievable. Not an inch could be seen of the train, except for glimpses of the roof. The rest was one solid pack of sweating humanity, many of them illiterate Bengalis bound for Calcutta. There was one guy who was looking half-dead. He was hanging on to the bar, and swaying with each movement of the train. ‘What’s the matter with him?’ we asked his companion. The companion was happily chewing away on a wad of tobacco. ‘Oh, him?’ He answered nonchalantly, ‘He’s got jaundice.’
Jaundice? Then why is he traveling?
He is going to Calcutta for medical treatment.
Medical treatment? The world comes to Bombay for treatment. Why are you taking him away from Bombay?
Apparently he would take treatment only from some quack in his village.
There was another guy near him, who was in equally bad shape. He was something hanging on to the bar, and every now and then, his eyes would roll up and we could see only the white in his eyes.
And what’s the matter with him ?
Oh him? He’s got TB. He was going to Calcutta to see the same quack. You see, they are from the same village.
Wonderful, we thought.
After some time, Chinmay started crinkling his nose. There was a funny smell in the air. Very familiar…..what could it be……..
“KEROSENE” someone shouted, and the crowd cleared somehow, like the Red Sea being parted by Moses.
Sure enough, there was a huge puddle of kerosene on the floor. One guy was carrying all his worldly possessions in a gunnysack, and the stove inside it did not have a fuel lid, and all his kerosene had leaked out on the floor. Everybody started shouting at it, but being a bewildered villager, he just looked at them and said nothing, did nothing.
All 4 of us were silent, but I was just thinking of the crush and sheer impossibility of getting out in case of a fire, when the guy in the overhead rack calmly pulled out a beedi, and lit a match!
All of us whirled around, and Chinmay shouted, “Are you crazy? There’s a kerosene spill and you are lighting matches?!!!”
The guy calmly blew out a cloud of smoke and said, “Not to worry saa’b! This happens all the time….”
Finally a Bengali traveler spoke to the villager in Bengali and managed to get him to mop up the spill, keep his stove upright, and throw away the remaining kerosene.
After several stops and delays, Kalyan junction came into view. Remembering the experience of Dadar, some travelers closed and bolted and the doors. Sure enough there was another mammoth crowd at Kalyan as well. They were already exasperated by the delays and cancellations, and when they saw the bolted doors, they just went mad. The whole crowd burst upon the train like an army besieging a castle – hammering and banging on the doors and cursing away with all the profanities they knew, involving the ancestry of the people inside, their sexual preferences, their profession etc. one guy came to our window and cursed us and demanded we open the door. Chinmay retorted, “I can’t move an inch in here, how do you expect me to get to the door?”
“Kutte, @#@#$%, E%#$%$#%, main tujhe dekh loonga…”
Suddenly, some weak minded person opened the door and the crowd streamed inside and started whacking that poor fellow.
SLAP
“Is this your father’s train, you bastard?”
SLAP
“You son of a…$#@%”
SLAP
“But I only opened it for you…” the poor chap tried to say.
SLAP
“Who told you to lock it, you @#$$%?”
It was now nearly 8 hours since we had sat in the carriage. It was clear that the normal journey of 36 hours would now take 4-5 days, and the train was due to pass through Bihar and UP. We had little food, no water and limited money.
Quietly and shame facedly we got up, and when the train finally limped into Karjat after an hour and a half, we fought our way to the door and struggled out of the train.
AAAHHHHH!! What a relief!! It was like a baby getting out of the womb.
We gorged on omelet pav and hot tea at the platform and took the early morning local back to town.
Thus ended the trip that wasn’t.
Labels:
backpacking,
college,
crowded,
delay,
festival,
indian railways,
mafia,
porter,
relief,
train
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wodehouse tribute story - The Eater of paan
This is the second of the Wodehouse tribute stories. This one is inspired by the Mulliner series, where the narration starts in a bar and the characters are identified by their choice of drink. Here the story starts at the paan-shop, and the characters are identified by their choice of paan.
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The eater of paan
Every neighborhood has a focal point – a central place - where the energy of the locality is potent and focused. A place where the best and brightest meet and questions of great import and meaning are discussed. It is a place of remarkable mental energy and peace and this enables the great minds to grow and fructify, a place for them to relax and recoup their energies after the battles of day-to-day mundanity.
At the national level, such a place can be the Parliament hall or Legislative assembly; at a educational level it can be a convocation hall or a museum. In our locality this place is our neighborhood paanwaala.
Murarilal, our esteemed paanwaala, sits like a colossus at his stall and dispenses paan and aphorisms to the great minds that frequent him. The very sight of him is like visiting a temple. Imposing built, ferocious moustaches, kohl rimmed eyes, sandalwood paste teeka on his forehead, and of course, sensuously red lips, bearing evidence that he has as high an appreciation of his own paan as much as we do.
His abode is equally impressive. Not for him the apologetic corner presence of most of the miserable scum who pretend to be vendors of paan. He does not pollute his presence with cigarettes, soap, ballpoint pens, stamps and other rubbish the others keep. He has a large and imposing corner establishment, containing only paan and the allied equipment. Framed photographs of various gods, a smoking agarbattis giving forth a heavenly perfume, rows and rows of gleaming brass canisters, and a large (slightly cracked) mirror in which he considers himself when business is slow.
We all gather around him like acolytes around the master, and he graciously dispenses his offerings as we discuss pressing issues of state.
At that moment the benarasi with extra chuna, kacchi supari and lavang was holding forth on educational reform in the state. Apparently his son had got 87% in his matriculation and yet was not able to secure admission in any of the colleges of his choice. This incident had brought the sorry state of education to his notice and was holding forth at it on great length.
“The whole system is rotten. Is this an educational system or an armed robbery? Such and such college is asking for Rs. 28 lakhs as fees, and some other one is asking for Rs 32 lakhs. What facilities do they offer the students? What kind of life experience will they get? What will they learn? What kind of job opportunities will they get after they pass out? …”
The Poona sada with kimam and pakka supari and the Calcutta masala with 120 tobacco nodded seriously. The Poona tried to add his comments, but was overwhelmed by the benarasi’s flow of words.
“How the hell can the nation prosper, I ask you? The most important asset that our country has is its youth, and if this is the way the youth are treated, how can they become useful and loyal citizens of the country? That’s the reason why so many of the bright and intelligent children are desperate to go abroad – brain drain – that will be the real killer of the country.”
He had to pause at that point, because the load in his mouth had crossed the Plimsoll line, and he had to go to the roadside and let loose a red stream of paan spittle.
The Poona sada took advantage of the opportunity and promptly changed the subject.
“Arre bhai, did you see the paper today morning? They found another minister with his hand in the till. Some paper took photographs of him accepting a bribe to give out some contract.”
“Chee chee. What is happening to the country nowadays?” the Calcutta masala said piously. “Corruption in public life has reached terrible proportions.”
“Kya kahen saab. Nayi sarkar aayi hai. Earlier there were well fed rats chewing the grains, now there are hungry rats…” Murarilal let loose with one of his aphorisms, but before he could complete the statement, the Benarasi sada was back in the fray.
“I tell you friends, that is the problem. The education sector has been ruined by corruption in the education ministry. There are so many new colleges opening, but still they ask for 28 lakhs and 32 lakhs…” he was back on his current bandwagon.
“Arre, population is increasing so much, civic amenities are just not keeping pace” the Poona sada wisely added.
“And anyway, what will they do with such an expensive degree? Where are the jobs nowadays? They say that the economy is doing so well, but there are just no jobs…” Murarilal added, snipping the tops off some paan leaves.
And so the conversation went on. This was the normal evening and after dinner activity for us. We used to meet together, have our favorite paans, and talk of various issues and let off steam. Today it was the educational sector, someday it would be the national security situation and some other day a detailed critique of president Bush’s Iraq strategy and of course, a very detailed critique of every cricket match that India played.
A perfect end to every day.
“Arre, where is Mr. Mukherjee nowadays? Haven’t seen him for some time now.” Mr. Mukherjee was the Benarasi sada, one of our most vocal members.
“His wife must have hit him on the head.” Someone sniggered and there was a round of chuckles from the assembled group.
Mrs. Mukherjee was violently opposed to her husbands paan eating habits, and it was always fun to see Mr. Mukherjee turn pale and stop abruptly in the middle of one of his furious political tirades when he saw his wife approaching in the distance.
He would then quickly go behind Murarilal’s shop and spit his paan and greet his wife with a weak smile. She would never shout at him in public, but only shrivel him with a cold glare. Then he would make his mumbled apologies to the group and walk home with bowed shoulders.
Mrs. Mukherjee had apparently tried all kinds of strategies to make him give up, but he really loved his paan, and would be back for a mouthful of his Benarasi sada the next day. Murarilal loved the way Mr. Mukherjee would look at his paan being made – first the paan would be chosen, after rejecting a few leaves, then the top would be snipped off, then the chuna, the kaath, the various nameless masalas and chutneys, a sprinkle of kacchi supari and a couple of cloves. Then the paan would be folded, a little bit of chuna added on top and then he would reverently put it on his tongue, and close his eyes as he chewed it. His joy in eating the stuff was a pleasure to behold, and that was why he was Murari’s favorite customer. Mr. Mukherjee was our little clubs oldest member, and was among the first customers of Murari in those forgotten days when he had just started off in his stall. Now both of them were icons of the corner.
This habit had left its mark on him – his teeth were stained red, and even his lips looked like he was a user of Revlon’s latest shade of lipstick. His gums gave him trouble now and then, and his white kurta also showed stains of the occasional vagrant drop of paan juice. He was the epitome of the song “paan khaye saiyan hamaare, malmal ke kurte pe cheent lal lal…”
All of us laughed at his discomfiture when his wife caught and harangued him, but only because of the contrast of his fire-eating speech pre-wife, and hang-dog husband, post wife. But he was a well-loved person in our group, and the news of his ill health was received with dismay.
“Hospital…”
“Stomach trouble…”
“Ulcer…”
The rumors flew all over the place. Apparently, Mr. Mukherjee had been feeling under the weather for a few days, and one day had vomited blood and collapsed. They had taken him to Dr Sapre’s clinic and he had been admitted. The doctor had said that he had gastric trouble, and had put on a milk and intravenous drip diet.
But the greatest shock was yet to come!
“Give up paan!” the Poona sada was wide eyed
“Yes…” the Calcutta masala said. “The shock almost gave him a heart attack! Dr Sapre has forbidden paan strictly. He said that his intestinal tract has been irritated by paan, and he should not have a single paan in the future.”
We all stood in a moment’s silence, and then solemnly spat out red streams of paan spittle in tribute to the memory of the most dedicated paan eater among us. It was as poignant as a 21-gun requiem.
“Poor fellow.” I said.
“Well, at least his wife will be pleased.” The Poona sada said after a minute. “It is a vindication of her lifelong campaign to make him give up.”
“Yes. But I must say that her behavior has been exemplary.” The maghai and kimam said. He was a neighbor of Mr. Mukherjee. “She has not said a word of reproach or ‘I told you so.’ She has been amazingly sweet and understanding, and promised to make him all his favorite food and sweets to make up for his loss. Very good behavior I call it.” He let out a sigh, as if wishing that his own wife would be so sweet, and cook sweets for him. He was a diabetic, and most rich foods and sweets were banned for him.
I turned to Murari, and looked at him with sympathy.
“Murari will feel bad, poor chap. Losing his oldest and favorite customer.”
Murari just shrugged and looked upwards. “Kya kahen sahib. All happens as god wills.” But I surprised a small grin on his face, when he thought no one was looking.
Call it intuition or just a naturally suspicious nature, but I smelt a rat.
I have read a lot of medical journals and have never heard of plain paan causing such irritation of the intestinal tract. It was only paan with tobacco that caused such trouble, and I had never seen old Mr. Mukherjee take tobacco. He was a firm believer in plain paan, with only the regular masalas, some betel nut and a few cloves.
I happened to run into Dr Sapre the day after that, and asked him about Mukherjee’s case. He didn’t give me any detailed answer and just gave me some generic gyaan about the evils of paan. On further questioning, he just smiled and patted my back and went off.
Later I saw him having a paan at Murari’s thela! He had just given me a long lecture on the evils of paan and now he was reddening his mouth with the best benarasi which money can buy. I saw him chat with Murari for a minute, and then shook hands with him and went off, leaving a red trail of paan spittle in his wake.
The next day, I went to the stall earlier than usual, and caught hold of Murari when we were alone.
“Murari, you can’t fool me. I know there is something more than meets the eye. Tell me about it.” I said, catching him unawares.
“Kya saab. What are you saying?” Murari tried to look innocent.
“Cut the crap and tell me. I know you know something.” From a normal customer it would not have bothered him, but I am an Assistant Commissioner of Police, and he knew that he couldn’t mess with me.
“Come on saab. You know I would never do anything to harm my customers.” He pleaded with me. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Who said anything about anything wrong? I am just eaten up by curiosity. The only net result I can see is that somehow Mr. Mukherjee has been persuaded to give up paan, something that I never believed possible. How did this get managed? I am sure that you had something to do with this, or why should you and Dr Sapre be so chummy all of a sudden?”
Murari was silent, and so I tried to be conciliatory.
“Come on man, tell me. I promise I wont tell a soul.”
He looked at me beseechingly. “Promise?”
“God promise!”
He looked around to check that no one was listening, and then leaned over and whispered in my ear.
“It was Mrs. Mukherjee’s idea saab. She was desperate to get him to leave paan, so she made a plan with Dr Sapre and me. I put a chemical in his paan which would make him feel unwell and vomit, and Dr Sapre was bribed to tell him that this was due to over indulgence in paan, and to forbid paan forever for him. Mukherjee saab is a great hypochondriac, and a threat to his health was the only reason he would agree to give up his daily chew.”
“You rascal! How much money did she give you to do this?”
“Money? Money? Chee chee saab. Do you think I would do such a thing for money? I did it for the good health of my old customer saab.” Murari waved his hand deprecatingly, and I was blinded for a second by the flash of the large diamond ring on his finger. I was pretty sure that I had never seen him wear that ring before.
“But hats off to Mukherjee madam saab, what planning…what organization…” he continued, putting betel nuts on my paan.
“You could say that she took out a …Supari… on him.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do comment if you like it.
End.
Computer word count : 2278
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The eater of paan
Every neighborhood has a focal point – a central place - where the energy of the locality is potent and focused. A place where the best and brightest meet and questions of great import and meaning are discussed. It is a place of remarkable mental energy and peace and this enables the great minds to grow and fructify, a place for them to relax and recoup their energies after the battles of day-to-day mundanity.
At the national level, such a place can be the Parliament hall or Legislative assembly; at a educational level it can be a convocation hall or a museum. In our locality this place is our neighborhood paanwaala.
Murarilal, our esteemed paanwaala, sits like a colossus at his stall and dispenses paan and aphorisms to the great minds that frequent him. The very sight of him is like visiting a temple. Imposing built, ferocious moustaches, kohl rimmed eyes, sandalwood paste teeka on his forehead, and of course, sensuously red lips, bearing evidence that he has as high an appreciation of his own paan as much as we do.
His abode is equally impressive. Not for him the apologetic corner presence of most of the miserable scum who pretend to be vendors of paan. He does not pollute his presence with cigarettes, soap, ballpoint pens, stamps and other rubbish the others keep. He has a large and imposing corner establishment, containing only paan and the allied equipment. Framed photographs of various gods, a smoking agarbattis giving forth a heavenly perfume, rows and rows of gleaming brass canisters, and a large (slightly cracked) mirror in which he considers himself when business is slow.
We all gather around him like acolytes around the master, and he graciously dispenses his offerings as we discuss pressing issues of state.
At that moment the benarasi with extra chuna, kacchi supari and lavang was holding forth on educational reform in the state. Apparently his son had got 87% in his matriculation and yet was not able to secure admission in any of the colleges of his choice. This incident had brought the sorry state of education to his notice and was holding forth at it on great length.
“The whole system is rotten. Is this an educational system or an armed robbery? Such and such college is asking for Rs. 28 lakhs as fees, and some other one is asking for Rs 32 lakhs. What facilities do they offer the students? What kind of life experience will they get? What will they learn? What kind of job opportunities will they get after they pass out? …”
The Poona sada with kimam and pakka supari and the Calcutta masala with 120 tobacco nodded seriously. The Poona tried to add his comments, but was overwhelmed by the benarasi’s flow of words.
“How the hell can the nation prosper, I ask you? The most important asset that our country has is its youth, and if this is the way the youth are treated, how can they become useful and loyal citizens of the country? That’s the reason why so many of the bright and intelligent children are desperate to go abroad – brain drain – that will be the real killer of the country.”
He had to pause at that point, because the load in his mouth had crossed the Plimsoll line, and he had to go to the roadside and let loose a red stream of paan spittle.
The Poona sada took advantage of the opportunity and promptly changed the subject.
“Arre bhai, did you see the paper today morning? They found another minister with his hand in the till. Some paper took photographs of him accepting a bribe to give out some contract.”
“Chee chee. What is happening to the country nowadays?” the Calcutta masala said piously. “Corruption in public life has reached terrible proportions.”
“Kya kahen saab. Nayi sarkar aayi hai. Earlier there were well fed rats chewing the grains, now there are hungry rats…” Murarilal let loose with one of his aphorisms, but before he could complete the statement, the Benarasi sada was back in the fray.
“I tell you friends, that is the problem. The education sector has been ruined by corruption in the education ministry. There are so many new colleges opening, but still they ask for 28 lakhs and 32 lakhs…” he was back on his current bandwagon.
“Arre, population is increasing so much, civic amenities are just not keeping pace” the Poona sada wisely added.
“And anyway, what will they do with such an expensive degree? Where are the jobs nowadays? They say that the economy is doing so well, but there are just no jobs…” Murarilal added, snipping the tops off some paan leaves.
And so the conversation went on. This was the normal evening and after dinner activity for us. We used to meet together, have our favorite paans, and talk of various issues and let off steam. Today it was the educational sector, someday it would be the national security situation and some other day a detailed critique of president Bush’s Iraq strategy and of course, a very detailed critique of every cricket match that India played.
A perfect end to every day.
“Arre, where is Mr. Mukherjee nowadays? Haven’t seen him for some time now.” Mr. Mukherjee was the Benarasi sada, one of our most vocal members.
“His wife must have hit him on the head.” Someone sniggered and there was a round of chuckles from the assembled group.
Mrs. Mukherjee was violently opposed to her husbands paan eating habits, and it was always fun to see Mr. Mukherjee turn pale and stop abruptly in the middle of one of his furious political tirades when he saw his wife approaching in the distance.
He would then quickly go behind Murarilal’s shop and spit his paan and greet his wife with a weak smile. She would never shout at him in public, but only shrivel him with a cold glare. Then he would make his mumbled apologies to the group and walk home with bowed shoulders.
Mrs. Mukherjee had apparently tried all kinds of strategies to make him give up, but he really loved his paan, and would be back for a mouthful of his Benarasi sada the next day. Murarilal loved the way Mr. Mukherjee would look at his paan being made – first the paan would be chosen, after rejecting a few leaves, then the top would be snipped off, then the chuna, the kaath, the various nameless masalas and chutneys, a sprinkle of kacchi supari and a couple of cloves. Then the paan would be folded, a little bit of chuna added on top and then he would reverently put it on his tongue, and close his eyes as he chewed it. His joy in eating the stuff was a pleasure to behold, and that was why he was Murari’s favorite customer. Mr. Mukherjee was our little clubs oldest member, and was among the first customers of Murari in those forgotten days when he had just started off in his stall. Now both of them were icons of the corner.
This habit had left its mark on him – his teeth were stained red, and even his lips looked like he was a user of Revlon’s latest shade of lipstick. His gums gave him trouble now and then, and his white kurta also showed stains of the occasional vagrant drop of paan juice. He was the epitome of the song “paan khaye saiyan hamaare, malmal ke kurte pe cheent lal lal…”
All of us laughed at his discomfiture when his wife caught and harangued him, but only because of the contrast of his fire-eating speech pre-wife, and hang-dog husband, post wife. But he was a well-loved person in our group, and the news of his ill health was received with dismay.
“Hospital…”
“Stomach trouble…”
“Ulcer…”
The rumors flew all over the place. Apparently, Mr. Mukherjee had been feeling under the weather for a few days, and one day had vomited blood and collapsed. They had taken him to Dr Sapre’s clinic and he had been admitted. The doctor had said that he had gastric trouble, and had put on a milk and intravenous drip diet.
But the greatest shock was yet to come!
“Give up paan!” the Poona sada was wide eyed
“Yes…” the Calcutta masala said. “The shock almost gave him a heart attack! Dr Sapre has forbidden paan strictly. He said that his intestinal tract has been irritated by paan, and he should not have a single paan in the future.”
We all stood in a moment’s silence, and then solemnly spat out red streams of paan spittle in tribute to the memory of the most dedicated paan eater among us. It was as poignant as a 21-gun requiem.
“Poor fellow.” I said.
“Well, at least his wife will be pleased.” The Poona sada said after a minute. “It is a vindication of her lifelong campaign to make him give up.”
“Yes. But I must say that her behavior has been exemplary.” The maghai and kimam said. He was a neighbor of Mr. Mukherjee. “She has not said a word of reproach or ‘I told you so.’ She has been amazingly sweet and understanding, and promised to make him all his favorite food and sweets to make up for his loss. Very good behavior I call it.” He let out a sigh, as if wishing that his own wife would be so sweet, and cook sweets for him. He was a diabetic, and most rich foods and sweets were banned for him.
I turned to Murari, and looked at him with sympathy.
“Murari will feel bad, poor chap. Losing his oldest and favorite customer.”
Murari just shrugged and looked upwards. “Kya kahen sahib. All happens as god wills.” But I surprised a small grin on his face, when he thought no one was looking.
Call it intuition or just a naturally suspicious nature, but I smelt a rat.
I have read a lot of medical journals and have never heard of plain paan causing such irritation of the intestinal tract. It was only paan with tobacco that caused such trouble, and I had never seen old Mr. Mukherjee take tobacco. He was a firm believer in plain paan, with only the regular masalas, some betel nut and a few cloves.
I happened to run into Dr Sapre the day after that, and asked him about Mukherjee’s case. He didn’t give me any detailed answer and just gave me some generic gyaan about the evils of paan. On further questioning, he just smiled and patted my back and went off.
Later I saw him having a paan at Murari’s thela! He had just given me a long lecture on the evils of paan and now he was reddening his mouth with the best benarasi which money can buy. I saw him chat with Murari for a minute, and then shook hands with him and went off, leaving a red trail of paan spittle in his wake.
The next day, I went to the stall earlier than usual, and caught hold of Murari when we were alone.
“Murari, you can’t fool me. I know there is something more than meets the eye. Tell me about it.” I said, catching him unawares.
“Kya saab. What are you saying?” Murari tried to look innocent.
“Cut the crap and tell me. I know you know something.” From a normal customer it would not have bothered him, but I am an Assistant Commissioner of Police, and he knew that he couldn’t mess with me.
“Come on saab. You know I would never do anything to harm my customers.” He pleaded with me. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Who said anything about anything wrong? I am just eaten up by curiosity. The only net result I can see is that somehow Mr. Mukherjee has been persuaded to give up paan, something that I never believed possible. How did this get managed? I am sure that you had something to do with this, or why should you and Dr Sapre be so chummy all of a sudden?”
Murari was silent, and so I tried to be conciliatory.
“Come on man, tell me. I promise I wont tell a soul.”
He looked at me beseechingly. “Promise?”
“God promise!”
He looked around to check that no one was listening, and then leaned over and whispered in my ear.
“It was Mrs. Mukherjee’s idea saab. She was desperate to get him to leave paan, so she made a plan with Dr Sapre and me. I put a chemical in his paan which would make him feel unwell and vomit, and Dr Sapre was bribed to tell him that this was due to over indulgence in paan, and to forbid paan forever for him. Mukherjee saab is a great hypochondriac, and a threat to his health was the only reason he would agree to give up his daily chew.”
“You rascal! How much money did she give you to do this?”
“Money? Money? Chee chee saab. Do you think I would do such a thing for money? I did it for the good health of my old customer saab.” Murari waved his hand deprecatingly, and I was blinded for a second by the flash of the large diamond ring on his finger. I was pretty sure that I had never seen him wear that ring before.
“But hats off to Mukherjee madam saab, what planning…what organization…” he continued, putting betel nuts on my paan.
“You could say that she took out a …Supari… on him.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do comment if you like it.
End.
Computer word count : 2278
Labels:
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humour,
paan,
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The thing about Nepotism
The thing with Nepotism
One interesting thing I learned today is that the word ‘Nepotism’ is derived from the Latin word ‘Nepos’ or ‘nepotis’ which means ‘nephew’.
Um....Nepotism means favouritism granted to relatives regardless of merit. So why specifically nephew, rather than son?
The answer is very interesting. This word came about in the middle ages, when the church clergy –specifically the Catholic clergy- had to take an oath of chastity, and could not (legally) father any children. So these dudes gave their nephews such positions of preference, as would normally be given to a son. Hence the word ‘Nepotism’. (Nephewism, if you wish)
This Uncle to nephew stuff happened at the Pope level too – to such an extent that it constituted creating a papal ‘dynasty’. Many dynasties in fact
If you think about it, it is not very different from normal property succession – a son or daughter takes over the family business and property and runs it after the original owner is retired or dead. Just a change of receiver from direct DNA to derived DNA.
Did you think? If so, you would have spotted the fatal flaw in the argument.
It is not their property that these people are handing over, but a common property – which belongs either to all citizens in case of politics, or shareholders in case of companies, or fans in case of film stars.
The thing that infuriates about nepotism is that family privilege overrides merit in appointing people at crucial positions in the organisation. And the really infuriating thing is that it seems to be the norm rather than the exception.
Nehru started it with Indira, and Indira perpetuated it with an iron hand. Her son after her, his wife after him and now her son after her it seems.
Seeing this shining example, every politico has gotten into it, and now the only young people you see on the scene are the scions of politicos. In every state, every party, every hue of political spectrum is all ruled by family contacts.
The counter argument for this is that dynasty politics works because of a few reasons
1)Strong DNA: Whatever be his morals, no politico is going to rise to the top unless he has some stuff in him, and assumably he will be passing that stuff to his descendants
2)Early exposure and training : the kid sees his fathers business from a young age and finishes his apprenticeship very early in the game.
3)Contacts : The kid will know the big people from an early age, and will have personal relationships with them.
4)No need to do the dirty stuff : The only way an outsider can enter the political minefield is by doing the hard yards, and wading thru a lot of mud and dirty deeds. A police record is almost compulsory before becoming a politician in some states. As the son of a bigshot, he can avoid getting his hands dirty and be the clean face.
All this is fine – but you risk getting an idiot as your king just because of his royal blood, and the decisions that a king makes affects the billions of people in his kingdom.
The whole idea of democracy is to abolish utterly the concept of royal privilege and it is criminally stupid to be going down that path again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even in business, it is becoming alarmingly prevalent. Son of the seth becomes the new seth. Is this a good idea ? Whether you take a Mallya, an Ambani, a Bajaj, a Hinduja, a Singhania –all the old world fat cats are firmly sethias. Even the immaculate Tatas are not different from this. They also keep the chairmanship firmly in their little bawa group.
Obviously the question to ask is ‘does it make a difference’? and the answer would come from doing a control test – take a set of baccha led companies, and a set of professional led companies and see if they differ.
After all, you might get a good baccha and a bad professional manager. So while complete nepotism is bad, banning family members from control just because they are family members is equally discriminatory.
That is true – after all you have so many examples of companies run into the ground by professionals and rescued by the family members – Ford, Disney, Hewlett Packard, etc.
But the point is – will you as a professional manager be more comfortable working for a lala, or for a professionally run organisation?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After politics, the place where nepotism is most highly visible is Bollywood. The bloody place seems to be a maze of family connections.
See the top 5 male stars
1)Shahrukh khan
2)Akshay Kumar
3)Hrithik Roshan
4)Aamir Khan
5)Salman Khan
We can be happy seeing that the top 2 are non family people – but the bottom 3, and almost the entire list downwards is all family bacchas. Sunny deol, Ajay Devghan, Ranbir, Imran, Vivek Oberoi, and so on and so on. (Lets close the list with Mimoh Chakraborty)
The 5 top female stars
1)Aishwarya Rai
2)Priyanka C
3)Kareena K
4)Katrina K
5)Bipasha B
Interestingly, nepotism is lower in the female side, it would seem. But only because film folk are conservative types and dont want their bahu betis wriggling their booty on screen. And having operated the casting couch themselves for so long, they don’t want their women to be part of the industry and face the same deal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, there is a wave of freshness spreading across the country, mainly due to the new age IT led industries, where the 'old-boy' network is not so powerful. Also, the emergence of a powerful funding source from VCs and angel investors empowered a lot of people to startup their own ventures, which was simply not possible earlier.
Even in bollywood – a very strong mirror of the Indian social scene – we can see the difference. Professionals are breaking through in direction, music, editing, scripting and will soon break into the star system as well. Independent funding is one aspect, marketing and distribution is another. Once we have a truly democratic marketing and DTH channel through the internet, the rule of the distributor and exhibitor will collapse, and will severely diminish the power of the star system. Its going to happen soon.
A changing social scenario, double income households, growing self confidence of Indian middle class, a dismantling of license raj and growing openness of society has also played a huge role in creating a new class of entrepreneurs in all sectors.
Business is not restricted to the ‘business class’ or ‘caste’, and so the ‘mai baap’ avatar of the ‘maalik’ is rapidly becoming a thing of the past.
There are many good things about the family business system – a sense of pride and ownership, a driving urge to grow, social and financial support systems, etc – which should not be thrown out with the bathwater so to speak. Family business, professional conglomerates and a bubbling entrepreneur/ start up system have to be living together and providing a counter point to each other.
To come back to the main point – the problem with Nepotism is that it overtrumps merit. Ideally meritocracy should rule, because after all, the show has to go on.
One interesting thing I learned today is that the word ‘Nepotism’ is derived from the Latin word ‘Nepos’ or ‘nepotis’ which means ‘nephew’.
Um....Nepotism means favouritism granted to relatives regardless of merit. So why specifically nephew, rather than son?
The answer is very interesting. This word came about in the middle ages, when the church clergy –specifically the Catholic clergy- had to take an oath of chastity, and could not (legally) father any children. So these dudes gave their nephews such positions of preference, as would normally be given to a son. Hence the word ‘Nepotism’. (Nephewism, if you wish)
This Uncle to nephew stuff happened at the Pope level too – to such an extent that it constituted creating a papal ‘dynasty’. Many dynasties in fact
If you think about it, it is not very different from normal property succession – a son or daughter takes over the family business and property and runs it after the original owner is retired or dead. Just a change of receiver from direct DNA to derived DNA.
Did you think? If so, you would have spotted the fatal flaw in the argument.
It is not their property that these people are handing over, but a common property – which belongs either to all citizens in case of politics, or shareholders in case of companies, or fans in case of film stars.
The thing that infuriates about nepotism is that family privilege overrides merit in appointing people at crucial positions in the organisation. And the really infuriating thing is that it seems to be the norm rather than the exception.
Nehru started it with Indira, and Indira perpetuated it with an iron hand. Her son after her, his wife after him and now her son after her it seems.
Seeing this shining example, every politico has gotten into it, and now the only young people you see on the scene are the scions of politicos. In every state, every party, every hue of political spectrum is all ruled by family contacts.
The counter argument for this is that dynasty politics works because of a few reasons
1)Strong DNA: Whatever be his morals, no politico is going to rise to the top unless he has some stuff in him, and assumably he will be passing that stuff to his descendants
2)Early exposure and training : the kid sees his fathers business from a young age and finishes his apprenticeship very early in the game.
3)Contacts : The kid will know the big people from an early age, and will have personal relationships with them.
4)No need to do the dirty stuff : The only way an outsider can enter the political minefield is by doing the hard yards, and wading thru a lot of mud and dirty deeds. A police record is almost compulsory before becoming a politician in some states. As the son of a bigshot, he can avoid getting his hands dirty and be the clean face.
All this is fine – but you risk getting an idiot as your king just because of his royal blood, and the decisions that a king makes affects the billions of people in his kingdom.
The whole idea of democracy is to abolish utterly the concept of royal privilege and it is criminally stupid to be going down that path again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even in business, it is becoming alarmingly prevalent. Son of the seth becomes the new seth. Is this a good idea ? Whether you take a Mallya, an Ambani, a Bajaj, a Hinduja, a Singhania –all the old world fat cats are firmly sethias. Even the immaculate Tatas are not different from this. They also keep the chairmanship firmly in their little bawa group.
Obviously the question to ask is ‘does it make a difference’? and the answer would come from doing a control test – take a set of baccha led companies, and a set of professional led companies and see if they differ.
After all, you might get a good baccha and a bad professional manager. So while complete nepotism is bad, banning family members from control just because they are family members is equally discriminatory.
That is true – after all you have so many examples of companies run into the ground by professionals and rescued by the family members – Ford, Disney, Hewlett Packard, etc.
But the point is – will you as a professional manager be more comfortable working for a lala, or for a professionally run organisation?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After politics, the place where nepotism is most highly visible is Bollywood. The bloody place seems to be a maze of family connections.
See the top 5 male stars
1)Shahrukh khan
2)Akshay Kumar
3)Hrithik Roshan
4)Aamir Khan
5)Salman Khan
We can be happy seeing that the top 2 are non family people – but the bottom 3, and almost the entire list downwards is all family bacchas. Sunny deol, Ajay Devghan, Ranbir, Imran, Vivek Oberoi, and so on and so on. (Lets close the list with Mimoh Chakraborty)
The 5 top female stars
1)Aishwarya Rai
2)Priyanka C
3)Kareena K
4)Katrina K
5)Bipasha B
Interestingly, nepotism is lower in the female side, it would seem. But only because film folk are conservative types and dont want their bahu betis wriggling their booty on screen. And having operated the casting couch themselves for so long, they don’t want their women to be part of the industry and face the same deal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, there is a wave of freshness spreading across the country, mainly due to the new age IT led industries, where the 'old-boy' network is not so powerful. Also, the emergence of a powerful funding source from VCs and angel investors empowered a lot of people to startup their own ventures, which was simply not possible earlier.
Even in bollywood – a very strong mirror of the Indian social scene – we can see the difference. Professionals are breaking through in direction, music, editing, scripting and will soon break into the star system as well. Independent funding is one aspect, marketing and distribution is another. Once we have a truly democratic marketing and DTH channel through the internet, the rule of the distributor and exhibitor will collapse, and will severely diminish the power of the star system. Its going to happen soon.
A changing social scenario, double income households, growing self confidence of Indian middle class, a dismantling of license raj and growing openness of society has also played a huge role in creating a new class of entrepreneurs in all sectors.
Business is not restricted to the ‘business class’ or ‘caste’, and so the ‘mai baap’ avatar of the ‘maalik’ is rapidly becoming a thing of the past.
There are many good things about the family business system – a sense of pride and ownership, a driving urge to grow, social and financial support systems, etc – which should not be thrown out with the bathwater so to speak. Family business, professional conglomerates and a bubbling entrepreneur/ start up system have to be living together and providing a counter point to each other.
To come back to the main point – the problem with Nepotism is that it overtrumps merit. Ideally meritocracy should rule, because after all, the show has to go on.
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Friday, December 2, 2011
The wishing well - A Wodehouse tribute story
I just love P G Wodehouse. The Drones club is my spiritual home, and I would love to spend a holiday at Blandings castle.Many's the time that I have identified deeply with Bertie Wooster, and wished for a Jeeves to sort out my troubles. His
novels are amazing enough, but his short stories are also real masterpieces - especially the Mulliner series and the Golf stories.
I wanted to share with you the Wodehouse tribute stories I wrote to honour his memory. I wrote 2 stories, and this is the first one - Wodehouse style with a Desi twist, and some autobiographical angst too :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wishing well
“There are more things in this heaven and earth…ho –hic – Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philo-hic-sophy.”
I turned and gave a sour look to my companion. Venugopal Rao was a normal person most times, but under the influence of Kingfisher he could become irritatingly pompous. And given to quoting – mostly misquoting – trite sayings to illustrate his point.
“Bah!” I replied.
“What do you mean sir?” Venu was aggravated. “What do you mean by that uncouth utterance?”
“I mean ‘Bah’. Or if you prefer the vernacular –‘Crap’, ‘Balls’ or ‘Eff off’. I don’t believe a word about magic or supernatural or your latest craze – Wishing wells, and anyway, you have misquoted Hamlet.”
“I haven’t!” Venu swelled up like an offended balloon. “I’ll have you know my good man, that I am an Arts major, and have studied literature for three years, and know Shakespeare from soup to nuts.”
“Why do people use that phrase, I wonder…I am sure that you have never had a formal dinner that began with soup and ended with nuts…and…oh never mind…” I said hastily before he could respond “Never mind about dinners or Shakespeare, the point I am making is that all your talk about Wishing wells is absurd.”
“Absurd, is it?”
“Yep. That’s what it is. Absurd.”
“Have you heard about Raju Golani’s experience ?”
“Who’s Raju Golani?”
“Ah. You have not heard then. Be of good cheer. I am about to tell you.” Venu broke off for a moment to tell the waiter to get him another beer, and make bloody sure that it was cold and not piss-warm like this one, or he would break his bloody neck, and turned back to me. “Well, its like this….there was a chap called Raju Golani…”
“…who lived long ago in a kingdom far far away.” I suggested, feeling that this is the ususal opening line of a fairy tale.
“Don’t interrupt, Blast you! Always yak-yak-yakking! No, he didn’t live long ago in any ruddy far away kingdom. He is very much alive and still lives in Bombay.
“There aren’t any wishing wells in Bombay.” I objected. “Hardly any normal wells either, nowadays. Only bore wells. And you cant drop coins into them, they will clog up the pump and then it will cost a packet to repair them…OK, OK…I am sorry…” I said, quickly changing gears when I saw Venu’s hand close tightly on the neck of the empty Kingfisher bottle. “Please carry on.”
Raju Golani (continued Venu) was a most prosaic character. By prosaic, I don’t mean that he was a dull dog, but was a writer of prose. This was remarkable because he was surrounded on all sides by wannabe poets of every description, all quick with a mordant verse, or a sad sonnet or even a naughty limerick. But his ambition was to become a writer of prose – write a book, strike it big like Rowling or Roy, show the middle finger to his boss and then retire to live the good life, instead of slogging away as a wage slave as he was currently doing.
So, if you count, you can see three ambitions
1. Strike it big as an author, make the lots of moolah
2. Show the middle finger to his boss.
3. Retire and live the ‘Good life’
And of course, if you have the keen, analytical and highly trained mind, like I do, you can see that all three hinged on one thing – him making it big as a writer. All other things would flow from it – Moolah, Middle finger and Mood life. (Well, ‘Good’ life actually, but it sounds so cool to have the words start from a single alphabet)
This was pretty apparent to Raju as well, so he tried hard to succeed – he wrote whimsical essays, amusing short stories, reams of satire, modern novels – in short, anything for which he felt that there could be a market; and sent reams and reams of paper to all the various newspapers and publishing houses like a snowstorm. But unfortunately – like the fellow who sowed the rain and reaped the whirlwind (did I get the saying right?) – he sowed the snowstorm of submissions and reaped a blizzard of rejection letters. All the papers and publishers he sent his stuff to, promptly returned them, with the speed of a tennis player returning a quick serve with a smashing crosscourt forehand.
After spending all his evenings in writing, and donating most of his savings to the A4 paper vendors and the courier companies, our friend Mr Golani was at his wits end. He had tried writing all the various types of stuff which he thought might have a market, he had tried meeting editors, other authors, journalists or anybody in the profession, he had tried submitting under false names, he had tried pretending to be a foreign author traveling in Mumbai, he had pretended to be Shobha De’s grand-nephew…he had even tried walking bare-chested and bare foot to the Shani temple for a month of ‘Shaniwars’.
But nothing seemed to work. When I bumped into him, he was tearing his hair out. All his poet friends and relatives were mocking him, his boss was still biting pieces out of his leg every now and then, and the moolah and the good life were nowhere in sight. All he had to show for his labours was a filing cabinet full of his work, an impressive scrap book of rejection letters and calloused finger-tips.
I felt sorry for him and decided to help him out and so I told him about this Wishing well which I just told you about. He was also a bit skeptical at first, but then he was so desperate that he was open to any idea at all.
“Wishing well, eh?” he said, biting his moustache.
“Yep.”
“The normal kind of well? I mean you just drop a coin into it, and make a wish and it comes true? You don’t have to drop a human sacrifice or anything?”
“No, no, no my dear chap! What an idea! No sacrifice nothing…just drop a rupee into it, close your eyes and make a wish.”
“Hmm…Where is this place?”
I told him the location, its tucked somewhere in the sahyadri hills, and not too many people know about it, or the crowds would be unmanageable. I just happen to know it because I caught the temple pujari in an guarded moment once, when we shared a pipe of Marijuana and he told me about it. But after he sobered up, he begged me not to tell anyone, and I promised that I would tell only someone whom I felt was in dire need of divine help. I put the same stipulation to Raju and he agreed.
He immediately set off to the place and was back in a couple of days.
“So, all well?” I asked when I saw him “Found the place? Dropped the rupee? Made the wish?”
“Yes, yes, yes and yes.” He replied to all my questions linearly. “But Venu, you weren’t pulling my leg? This thing actually works?”
“Why, of course it does. I dropped a rupee in it myself and my wish came true. Yours will too.”
“Well, it better. If I find out that you have just been pulling my leg and been laughing up your sleeve at my gullibility and desperation, I will break your neck!”
“My dear fellow!” I said with dignity. “I wouldn’t stoop to a thing like that. And anyway, I am wearing a sleeveless shirt, so I couldn’t laugh up my sleeve even if I wanted to. I would put a crick in my neck and choke in my armpit hair.”
He had no reply to my simple dignity and devastating comeback, so he just grunted and left. I reminded him to send out his manuscript to publishers, so that we could see the effect of the well at work.
I met him again after a few days.
“Well?” I asked
“Well.” He reassured me.
“Well well.” I said in relief. I hadn’t forgotten his threat to break my neck.
“Well, well, well…” he said in admiration of the well.
“Well then?” I enquired.
“Welling, its welling.” He replied with an upwelling of hope. “I sent it to Dodo India publishers and they said that they are interested. They are planning to start a new imprint – Buzzard India Books – and mine could be first book in that.”
“Swell”
“Alls well that ends well” he reminded me, “But it’s not ended yet.”
“That’s true. Let’s see what wells up.”
And on that note we left. I heard later that Buzzard India had accepted his book and signed a contract.
The months passed, and no news from Raju Golani. I must say that I was a bit hurt. I mean, success is good, but it shouldn’t make you forget old friends – especially ones who helped you succeed.
Then one day I bumped into him.
“Yaar, Raju. What is this? You have become a famous author and not even told us?”
He laughed bitterly. “Who’s become a famous author? Show him to me.”
I was taken aback.
“Who? You, of course. Haven’t you been published by Buzzard?”
“I am an author, yes – but not a famous one. My book did get published, but the Bustards didn’t market it well…”
“Patience, lad” I remonstrated. “They might not have done a good job, but there is no need to get into vulgar abuse.”
“Theres no abuse, you idiot. Bustard marketing is the sales arm of Dodo and Buzzard publishing.”
“Oh, sorry…continue”
“As I was saying, the Bustards took my novel, which I had spent so much time and effort on – and published it in a cheap and unattractive format, and didn’t market it at all, and so the book sank without a trace. Bah!”
“Oh dear.”
“Dear dear dear.”
“Well Well well.”
He started, and came to life and started walking towards me menacingly.
“And it’s all your fault!”
“Why my fault?” I paled and started backing off. Raju Golani was looking like one of those mass murderers who go around slaying six.
“You led me on with your ridiculous story about Wishing Wells!”
“But it worked, didn’t it?” I asked plaintively. “You wished to be an author, and you are one now.”
“I wished to be a successful author, goddamit!” he screamed and made a lunge for me, and it was only due to my sprinting for my life and jumping into a passing BEST bus that I survived that day.
Venu finished his story, took a long pull at his beer and looked at me proudly. I looked doubtfully at him.
“That’s it? That’s the story?”
“Well…yeah.”
“Then it’s a rotten bloody story! Your stupid wishing well didn’t work, did it?”
“Ah! That’s what I thought too – so I went to that place in the Sahyadris and cribbed to the pujari there. He was also quite surprised, and so he instituted enquiries.
And what do you think he found?”
“What?”
“In spite of my careful directions, the silly fool had dropped a fifty paise coin into the well, instead of a rupee as I had said!”
“What? So you mean…” slowly I began to understand
“So of course…” Venu took a long pull at his beer “Only half his wish came true!”
End
novels are amazing enough, but his short stories are also real masterpieces - especially the Mulliner series and the Golf stories.
I wanted to share with you the Wodehouse tribute stories I wrote to honour his memory. I wrote 2 stories, and this is the first one - Wodehouse style with a Desi twist, and some autobiographical angst too :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wishing well
“There are more things in this heaven and earth…ho –hic – Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philo-hic-sophy.”
I turned and gave a sour look to my companion. Venugopal Rao was a normal person most times, but under the influence of Kingfisher he could become irritatingly pompous. And given to quoting – mostly misquoting – trite sayings to illustrate his point.
“Bah!” I replied.
“What do you mean sir?” Venu was aggravated. “What do you mean by that uncouth utterance?”
“I mean ‘Bah’. Or if you prefer the vernacular –‘Crap’, ‘Balls’ or ‘Eff off’. I don’t believe a word about magic or supernatural or your latest craze – Wishing wells, and anyway, you have misquoted Hamlet.”
“I haven’t!” Venu swelled up like an offended balloon. “I’ll have you know my good man, that I am an Arts major, and have studied literature for three years, and know Shakespeare from soup to nuts.”
“Why do people use that phrase, I wonder…I am sure that you have never had a formal dinner that began with soup and ended with nuts…and…oh never mind…” I said hastily before he could respond “Never mind about dinners or Shakespeare, the point I am making is that all your talk about Wishing wells is absurd.”
“Absurd, is it?”
“Yep. That’s what it is. Absurd.”
“Have you heard about Raju Golani’s experience ?”
“Who’s Raju Golani?”
“Ah. You have not heard then. Be of good cheer. I am about to tell you.” Venu broke off for a moment to tell the waiter to get him another beer, and make bloody sure that it was cold and not piss-warm like this one, or he would break his bloody neck, and turned back to me. “Well, its like this….there was a chap called Raju Golani…”
“…who lived long ago in a kingdom far far away.” I suggested, feeling that this is the ususal opening line of a fairy tale.
“Don’t interrupt, Blast you! Always yak-yak-yakking! No, he didn’t live long ago in any ruddy far away kingdom. He is very much alive and still lives in Bombay.
“There aren’t any wishing wells in Bombay.” I objected. “Hardly any normal wells either, nowadays. Only bore wells. And you cant drop coins into them, they will clog up the pump and then it will cost a packet to repair them…OK, OK…I am sorry…” I said, quickly changing gears when I saw Venu’s hand close tightly on the neck of the empty Kingfisher bottle. “Please carry on.”
Raju Golani (continued Venu) was a most prosaic character. By prosaic, I don’t mean that he was a dull dog, but was a writer of prose. This was remarkable because he was surrounded on all sides by wannabe poets of every description, all quick with a mordant verse, or a sad sonnet or even a naughty limerick. But his ambition was to become a writer of prose – write a book, strike it big like Rowling or Roy, show the middle finger to his boss and then retire to live the good life, instead of slogging away as a wage slave as he was currently doing.
So, if you count, you can see three ambitions
1. Strike it big as an author, make the lots of moolah
2. Show the middle finger to his boss.
3. Retire and live the ‘Good life’
And of course, if you have the keen, analytical and highly trained mind, like I do, you can see that all three hinged on one thing – him making it big as a writer. All other things would flow from it – Moolah, Middle finger and Mood life. (Well, ‘Good’ life actually, but it sounds so cool to have the words start from a single alphabet)
This was pretty apparent to Raju as well, so he tried hard to succeed – he wrote whimsical essays, amusing short stories, reams of satire, modern novels – in short, anything for which he felt that there could be a market; and sent reams and reams of paper to all the various newspapers and publishing houses like a snowstorm. But unfortunately – like the fellow who sowed the rain and reaped the whirlwind (did I get the saying right?) – he sowed the snowstorm of submissions and reaped a blizzard of rejection letters. All the papers and publishers he sent his stuff to, promptly returned them, with the speed of a tennis player returning a quick serve with a smashing crosscourt forehand.
After spending all his evenings in writing, and donating most of his savings to the A4 paper vendors and the courier companies, our friend Mr Golani was at his wits end. He had tried writing all the various types of stuff which he thought might have a market, he had tried meeting editors, other authors, journalists or anybody in the profession, he had tried submitting under false names, he had tried pretending to be a foreign author traveling in Mumbai, he had pretended to be Shobha De’s grand-nephew…he had even tried walking bare-chested and bare foot to the Shani temple for a month of ‘Shaniwars’.
But nothing seemed to work. When I bumped into him, he was tearing his hair out. All his poet friends and relatives were mocking him, his boss was still biting pieces out of his leg every now and then, and the moolah and the good life were nowhere in sight. All he had to show for his labours was a filing cabinet full of his work, an impressive scrap book of rejection letters and calloused finger-tips.
I felt sorry for him and decided to help him out and so I told him about this Wishing well which I just told you about. He was also a bit skeptical at first, but then he was so desperate that he was open to any idea at all.
“Wishing well, eh?” he said, biting his moustache.
“Yep.”
“The normal kind of well? I mean you just drop a coin into it, and make a wish and it comes true? You don’t have to drop a human sacrifice or anything?”
“No, no, no my dear chap! What an idea! No sacrifice nothing…just drop a rupee into it, close your eyes and make a wish.”
“Hmm…Where is this place?”
I told him the location, its tucked somewhere in the sahyadri hills, and not too many people know about it, or the crowds would be unmanageable. I just happen to know it because I caught the temple pujari in an guarded moment once, when we shared a pipe of Marijuana and he told me about it. But after he sobered up, he begged me not to tell anyone, and I promised that I would tell only someone whom I felt was in dire need of divine help. I put the same stipulation to Raju and he agreed.
He immediately set off to the place and was back in a couple of days.
“So, all well?” I asked when I saw him “Found the place? Dropped the rupee? Made the wish?”
“Yes, yes, yes and yes.” He replied to all my questions linearly. “But Venu, you weren’t pulling my leg? This thing actually works?”
“Why, of course it does. I dropped a rupee in it myself and my wish came true. Yours will too.”
“Well, it better. If I find out that you have just been pulling my leg and been laughing up your sleeve at my gullibility and desperation, I will break your neck!”
“My dear fellow!” I said with dignity. “I wouldn’t stoop to a thing like that. And anyway, I am wearing a sleeveless shirt, so I couldn’t laugh up my sleeve even if I wanted to. I would put a crick in my neck and choke in my armpit hair.”
He had no reply to my simple dignity and devastating comeback, so he just grunted and left. I reminded him to send out his manuscript to publishers, so that we could see the effect of the well at work.
I met him again after a few days.
“Well?” I asked
“Well.” He reassured me.
“Well well.” I said in relief. I hadn’t forgotten his threat to break my neck.
“Well, well, well…” he said in admiration of the well.
“Well then?” I enquired.
“Welling, its welling.” He replied with an upwelling of hope. “I sent it to Dodo India publishers and they said that they are interested. They are planning to start a new imprint – Buzzard India Books – and mine could be first book in that.”
“Swell”
“Alls well that ends well” he reminded me, “But it’s not ended yet.”
“That’s true. Let’s see what wells up.”
And on that note we left. I heard later that Buzzard India had accepted his book and signed a contract.
The months passed, and no news from Raju Golani. I must say that I was a bit hurt. I mean, success is good, but it shouldn’t make you forget old friends – especially ones who helped you succeed.
Then one day I bumped into him.
“Yaar, Raju. What is this? You have become a famous author and not even told us?”
He laughed bitterly. “Who’s become a famous author? Show him to me.”
I was taken aback.
“Who? You, of course. Haven’t you been published by Buzzard?”
“I am an author, yes – but not a famous one. My book did get published, but the Bustards didn’t market it well…”
“Patience, lad” I remonstrated. “They might not have done a good job, but there is no need to get into vulgar abuse.”
“Theres no abuse, you idiot. Bustard marketing is the sales arm of Dodo and Buzzard publishing.”
“Oh, sorry…continue”
“As I was saying, the Bustards took my novel, which I had spent so much time and effort on – and published it in a cheap and unattractive format, and didn’t market it at all, and so the book sank without a trace. Bah!”
“Oh dear.”
“Dear dear dear.”
“Well Well well.”
He started, and came to life and started walking towards me menacingly.
“And it’s all your fault!”
“Why my fault?” I paled and started backing off. Raju Golani was looking like one of those mass murderers who go around slaying six.
“You led me on with your ridiculous story about Wishing Wells!”
“But it worked, didn’t it?” I asked plaintively. “You wished to be an author, and you are one now.”
“I wished to be a successful author, goddamit!” he screamed and made a lunge for me, and it was only due to my sprinting for my life and jumping into a passing BEST bus that I survived that day.
Venu finished his story, took a long pull at his beer and looked at me proudly. I looked doubtfully at him.
“That’s it? That’s the story?”
“Well…yeah.”
“Then it’s a rotten bloody story! Your stupid wishing well didn’t work, did it?”
“Ah! That’s what I thought too – so I went to that place in the Sahyadris and cribbed to the pujari there. He was also quite surprised, and so he instituted enquiries.
And what do you think he found?”
“What?”
“In spite of my careful directions, the silly fool had dropped a fifty paise coin into the well, instead of a rupee as I had said!”
“What? So you mean…” slowly I began to understand
“So of course…” Venu took a long pull at his beer “Only half his wish came true!”
End
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