Diving with the sharks

Diving with the sharks

I set my alarm for 4.30 AM, and was so excited that I kept getting up in the night and checking my watch suspiciously.  Finally when the alarm rang at 4.30, I jumped out of bed with enthusiasm – because I was going shark cage diving!

(Not my photo - from internet)

The Great white shark is one of nature’s most efficient predators, and till very recently, the only way one could have a close up and personal look at this magnificent animal in the wild was by jumping in the water and shouting ‘AAARRGHH SAVE  MEEEEEEEEE...’ shortly before becoming a tasty snack for the hungry shark.

But now they have figured out a convenient way for you to enjoy a sight of this apex predator and survive the experience and go back and boast about it – they lower a cage into the water by the side of the boat and the divers can go and sit inside the cage. Then the boat wala dumps some fish waste into the water to attract the sharks and when the shark comes sniffing around, they tie some fish heads to a rope and throw them in the water. When the shark tries to snap at the fish heads, they jerk the rope and pull it out of the sharks reach – as you might tease a dog by offering it a biscuit and pulling it away when the dog jumps for it. Substitute the image of the dog with a giant tiger with huge fangs and rippling muscles.

(not my photo - from internet) 

Anyway, I was up at 4.30 and congratulating myself for being the first guy to awaken on a cold winter morning, when I heard some voices and laughter from the street below; and when I looked down I saw that it was a bunch of my young fellow hostelites – they were just coming back from a night of partying and clubbing.

I suddenly felt very old.

I got ready and waited and finally at 5.30 a guy came to the door and asked ‘Shark cage diving’ In a deep voice and ushered me to the collection van. He was tall and muscular and looked like a hero of a Wilbur Smith novel. You could just imagine him being a rancher in wild Africa or an elephant hunter or a diamond prospector or any amount of heroic figures.

The bus was full of sleepy figures and as it was dark and misty outside, I also decided to rest my eyes for a minute – and when I opened them – I had been magically transported to the Shark Cage diving office at Gansbaai.

‘Wow – that was quick!’ I thought....but then I realised that I had been asleep for two hours and felt a little crushed.

We got out of the bus and went up to their office where they had a nice breakfast laid out. We were all hungry and loaded our plates with all kinds of stuff. We had just started tucking in when the organiser comes and says ‘Guys – you better chew your food very thoroughly – make it into a fine paste before you swallow it.’

‘Why?’ I asked thickly, my mouth full of ham sandwich.

‘Well, there’s a bit of a swell ,so it might be rough on the boat. So when you puke, it’s better to puke out a fine paste rather than big bits which might get stuck in your windpipe’

That caused a bit of a silence in the hall, as everyone looked at their plate and thought about all that was already inside and a lot of people quietly put their plate aside.

After everyone was through, the dive master gave us hi s instructions. He explained how the thing would work – the fish waste would be put into the water to attract the sharks and once the sharks came, they would lower the cage in the water and five people at a time would enter the cage. When the boat crew saw a shark they would shout ‘get down!’ and the divers should go underwater and they would see the shark clearly.

‘Absolutely no one will put their hands or legs outside the cage – no one will try to touch the shark. Got it?’

We nodded our heads solemnly. We liked our appendages attached. 

‘Everyone has to put on a wetsuit before getting into the water. Please don’t urinate in the wet suit – apart from causing the suit to stink, you will drive the sharks away as they don’t like the smell of human urine.’

OHO – I thought – That’s what it is! A survival mechanism! When you are scared you piss in your pants because it drives the sharks away. 

‘If you pee in your wet suit you clean it, and if you crap in your wetsuit you buy it! Also, another thing – the side of the boat on which we hang the cage is the shark side, and if you feel sick and want to puke then the other side is the sick side. Please do not puke in the cage, or in the toilets or from the top deck. Please do not try to hold it in either – feel free to puke on the sick side – there is no shame in it, it’s a normal human reaction.’

And with these encouraging words, we got on the ship and made way for the shark point.  It was a bit choppy on the way out, but nothing too bad. Once they came to their place, they started throwing the fish bits out to attract the sharks.

After an anxious wait, suddenly the cry went up ‘There! Look there!’

And underneath the water  I saw the familiar torpedo shape and triangular fin which I had seen a thousand times before in pictures and photos and movies!

The great white shark!

What a sight it was! It was at least 4-5 metres long – that’s 13 feet of killer shark! Wow!

It was as exciting as seeing a tiger on a safari!

(photo by fellow diver Kosmas Koumianos  - http://www.kosmaskoumianos.com)

‘Now do you believe us?’ the dive master asked in excitement ‘Now do you believe that there are great white sharks?’

‘There’s another one!’ the cry went up. Then a disappointed voice ‘That’s only about 3 metres...its only a baby.’

The boat crew chuckled. ‘You jump in then, and YOU tell him that he is a baby.’

They lowered the cage and everyone started to get changed into wet suits. Man, it was a real struggle to get into that wet suit. I had to huff and puff and stretch and pull and nearly dislocate several joints before I managed to get into that suit.

By that time, the first five divers had entered the cage. They confidently jumped into the water and shouted ‘AAAAARRRGHHHHHH’

‘What happened?’ I asked. ‘Did they see a shark?’

‘no no..’ the dive master chuckled ‘the water is very cold’

‘DOWN GUYS DOWN’ a crew member bawled, and we rushed to the side of the boat to see the shark come in.

‘WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!’ the divers screamed in joy as they came out of the water. ‘WHAT A SIGHT!’

‘DOWN DOWN DOWN’ and again all of them dipped their heads.

After a few minutes, the dive master swapped them out and it was my turn.

I eagerly jumped into the water and nearly had a cardiac arrest due to the shock of the cold water.

WHAT THE #@$*@#@! ARRGGHHHH...I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!  I CANT FEEL MY BALLS!

‘DOWN DOWN DOWN’ the crewman bawled and we dunked our heads under the freezing cold water. The cold cold water made my head ache, but I forgot everything as I stared at the huge creature in front of me.

It was massive. It was regal. It was a killer. It was the king of the sea.

That streamlined body, those rippling muscles, those teeth...I noticed anew – I knew it theoretically, but actually seeing it was something else – that it had two rows of teeth – one pointing outwards and one pointing inwards. Nothing caught in those teeth was going anywhere except inside the shark.

It was the same feeling you get when you see a wild tiger for the first time in a jungle – except of course that various parts of my body were shutting down due to the cold. Permanent sterility – here I come.

I came out of the water and gasped in air, and immediately came the stentorian shout –DOWN DOWN DOWN’  and I took a deep breath again and went down.

The shark had just swum lazily by, when it noticed the bag of fish heads – and in fraction of a second, it transformed from a quiet lazy swimmer to a killing machine! All muscles tightened and in less time than it takes to tell, it turned and zoomed towards the packet, mouth wide open showing all those teeth and coming straight at us.

The crewman pulled it away at the last moment, much to the irritation of the shark, who went off thinking WTF! and we surfaced and went WHOOOOO...WHAT A SIGHT, when the crew alerted us again ‘DOWN DOWN DOWN’

The shark was back and it was pissed! The crewman threw out the bag of fish heads again and the shark raced for it! No bullshit this time – it meant business. But again, the bag was pulled out but the shark couldn’t stop its forward momentum and came and crashed against the tank, right in front of my face!

We were less than 6 inches apart! I stared into that shark’s eyes at point blank range!

SHIT.

SHIT

SHIT

I almost let loose the natural shark repellent.

(photo by fellow diver Kosmas Koumianos  - http://www.kosmaskoumianos.com)

Nothing happened – the cage held, and the shark swam away bemused. But what a feeling it was! I burst upwards and screamed out WOOO HOOO as everyone applauded.

 It was the ultimate sighting.

‘You guys don’t know how lucky you are.’ The dive master said to us on the way back. ‘the weather, the lighting, the shark experience – it was the best we have had in months.’

No kidding, I said. It was awesome.

‘By the way ...’ the dive master asked as we were leaving. ‘How come you were not scared? I have seen so many people, and they would have shit their pants, but you were quite calm. How come?’

I shrugged.

‘Ah. The Shark was OK.....but not a patch on my wife. You should see her when she is in a temper.’ 

(this one by me ;0) 

The vacation starts!

‘Listen up – we are going on our annual holiday’   She-who-must-be-obeyed announced to me one day.

‘Eh?’ I was startled. ‘We have no money, there are issues out here – how can we go on holidays?’

She-who-must-be-obeyed went purple – any questioning of her travel plans enrages her and turns her into the Incredible Hulk.

‘PUNY HUMAN!’ she screamed at me ‘How dare you question my travel plan?!! HULK SMASH!’

‘OK OK...’ I threw up my hands ‘I was just asking.’

‘The kid has summer holidays and that’s the only time that I get a chance to do a long trip! My life is full of getting her up, bathed and dressed, fixing her breakfast and lunch and leaving her to school! Who is going to do that if I am not here eh? You only sit on that sofa and pretend to be another sofa on top of a sofa! Who will cook dinner? Who will manage the maids? Who will take care of your mother? Who will....’

AAARRGHH. I covered my ears and crawled under the sofa and hid there, trembling – like an inhabitant of Pompeii must have done when the volcano exploded and was saying it with lava and burning ash.

Finally she ran out of steam and calmed down enough to see that I wasn’t even there.  Puzzled, she looked around and finally saw my feet sticking out from under the sofa. 

‘What on earth are you doing down there?’  She asked, bending down to look at me.

‘Oh...um...er...nothing...I...was....just looking for my pen. I thought it might have rolled down under here....’ I crawled out and dusted myself off in a dignified manner.

‘So – please continue – you were saying that we are going on a holiday. Where are we going?’ I asked brightly.

‘South Africa.’ She replied

‘Ah...good...’

‘And Australia’ she continued.

‘Australia!!’ I was dumbfounded. ‘South Africa and Australia! What a combination. I was thinking South Africa and Namibia, or Kenya, or even  Madagascar....but Australia! What relationship between the two apart from the fact that they are both in the Southern hemisphere?’

Then I stopped abruptly – shit, I was criticising her travel plans again!

I looked at her, alarmed – and sure enough, she was swelling like an enraged bullfrog!  First she went red with anger, and then turned large and green as she turned into She Hulk. It was like watching a traffic signal.

‘PUNY HUMAN! HULK SMASH!’

It turned out that she had already got the South Africa visa and Australia visa, booked the tickets, planned the itinerary, done the reservations, told the maids, cancelled the milk, and consoled a tearful mother in law.

‘You lazy bugger! Time for you to do some work.’ She growled at me.

‘Maine kab na bola?’ I protested. ‘I didn’t even know that work was going on. I would love to do some work. I live to do work. I thrive on work. I am a worker, not a drone.’

‘Yeah yeah.’ She said ‘Listen – I want  you to go to ICICI bank and get some foreign exchange. Can you do that?’

I nodded intelligently ‘Right. ICICI bank. Foreign exchange. I can do that. Piece of cake.’

‘Go to ICICI bank – ask them what their exchange rates are – then call me – I will tell you if the rates are OK – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE YOUR JUDGEMENT – then get X amount loaded on a travel card, and Y amount in CASH. Got that?’

I saluted smartly and went off to the bank, and found the foreign exchange guy.

‘What are your foreign exchange rates, my good man?’ I asked him grandly.

He got all excited – he must have thought that I am going to buy a few crores worth of dollars – and looked at his terminal and gave me some numbers, and was completely astonished when I just nodded and walked off.

‘Sir – where are you going?’

‘Just  a sec – let me tell my wife the rates and then she will tell me whether I should buy or not.’

‘Ah!’ The bank guy got the situation in an instant. I was just the hey you – the real buyer was the wife. ‘Then maybe I should talk to ma’m directly.’

‘Er...OK.’ I handed the phone to him. He started talking confidently, but within a minute he turned pale and started sweating – by the end of the conversation he was just a pale watery blob.

‘Yes ma’m yes ma’m yes ma’m’ he was babbling ‘I will tell sir the rates.’ I took the phone away from him before he burst into tears.

He immediately gave me a much reduced rate on the AUD loaded the travel card immediately, but he said that currency notes were not available and I should collect them tomorrow.

‘OK’ I replied and went whistling back home.

At home, SHE asked me ‘ Where are the currency notes?’

‘Oh – he didn’t have them in stock.’ I replied breezily. ‘Asked me to get them tomorrow.’

‘Tomorrow?!!’ she asked incredulously. ‘TOMORROW?!!’

‘Er...yes...’ I replied, edging back – not liking the vein pulsing in her forehead.

‘Did he give you a written commitment on the rates?’ she asked with a dangerous calm.

‘Er...no...’ I replied, edging back even more.

‘YOU HAD ONE JOB!’ she screamed. ‘ONE JOB! TO COLLECT FOREX’

‘but....but...’ I spluttered, as I watched her turn large and green.

‘HULK SMASH!!!’

Sure enough, the boy I had spoken to took the next day off  - talking to SHE must have given the poor fellow brain damage – and his manager was incredulous at the rates he had given, and refused to release forex at that rate.  I thought of releasing SHE on him, but then decided against it as I didn’t want to shut that branch down. the panic might spread from branch to branch and next thing you know - ICICI would be tottering. It might spark off  a banking crisis and Raghuram Rajan would be screaming WTF and tearing his hair out. 

So, in the larger interest of nation building and a stable banking system, I didn't pursue the issue any further. 

Bharathi threw up her hands in despair when I told her and went off mumbling ‘ONE JOB....’

The next thing I knew, I was at the airport in front of the immigration desk.

‘South Africa.....and Australia?!!’ the immigration clerk looked at the ticket with some confusion.

‘Why?’

What could I say to him....I didn’t have any idea myself.

‘Er... I don’t know exactly...’ I confessed, and the immigration officer’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

‘Actually my wife planned the whole thing, and I didn’t dare to ask why.’

He looked at me incredulously and then  looked at the spouse name in my passport and recoiled, as if he had been holding a live cobra!

‘AAARRGHHH!!’ he screamed ‘BHARATHI ?!!’  he quickly stamped the passport and pushed it back at me.

‘GO GO GO...’ he said.

‘And ...er...’ I stopped and he smiled shyly at me ‘Enjoy your holiday.’